This will be a good day...
Going to try to make this day good. With no energy and a very low moode it will be a challenge. I am totally tired out now after a week with a sick James and it showes in my face. I get dry patches everywhere, very attractive... Paul is also low and get angry very easily, hes bored and doesnt know what to do, which enoyes and stresses me and it stresses him aswell. We just need to get back on track I guess... After this sickness I really hope that we can stay healthy so that we can have some fun!!!!!!!
I am working on a project with Eva Johansson at the moment, interesting, I will tell you all about it when I can, right now its a secret ;)
I am working on a project with Eva Johansson at the moment, interesting, I will tell you all about it when I can, right now its a secret ;)
These pics makes me feel better on a bad day.
Why dont you call Eva and have yours taken?
http://www.evafotograf.se/
Why dont you call Eva and have yours taken?
http://www.evafotograf.se/
Fever
James is sick so I havent slept for four nights now and yesterday I got fever myself. Not the most pleasent situation... Feel very down and enoyed, but who wouldnt? Hopefully James will be well soon, before Paul and I am totally dead again.
In our livingroom
Heres some pics from our livingroom. Its not done yet, we need carpets and we need to get things to put on the walls etc. Most things are second hand buys and things from grandmas house. I love old stuff, it almost feels like they have a personality and they feel more "alive " than new things. I know, I am a bit wierd, but you all knew that already!
Love this lamp, found it second hand last year.
Stolen flowers on the diningtable my friend Pernilla lended to us.
Can you see that the leaves on the tiny flowers are heart shaped?
My favourite blanket that I found second hand last year, I love blankets...
Handmade lamp from Grandmas house and old curtains that my Great Grandma made.
A monkey!
Boxes that I found second hand and the plant I got from James on Mothers day
My mums old books, I think they look so beautiful.
A suitcase I found second hand, we have all our DVDs ans CDs in it :)
So this was a little peek, If you want to see more, come over for a coffee!
Love this lamp, found it second hand last year.
Stolen flowers on the diningtable my friend Pernilla lended to us.
Can you see that the leaves on the tiny flowers are heart shaped?
My favourite blanket that I found second hand last year, I love blankets...
Handmade lamp from Grandmas house and old curtains that my Great Grandma made.
A monkey!
Boxes that I found second hand and the plant I got from James on Mothers day
My mums old books, I think they look so beautiful.
A suitcase I found second hand, we have all our DVDs ans CDs in it :)
So this was a little peek, If you want to see more, come over for a coffee!
Midsummer
Midsummer was a crap day. Paul was extremly depressed and didnt get up from bed until late afternoon. I was so worried, its been a very long time since he was that bad and even if I know that he will be better maybe as soon as the next day, its still very hard for me to handle. He was like that everyday only a year ago, how the hell did I manage to stay as saine as I did? Anyway, he got up in time to do the washing and then he had some food and felt a little better after that, he had a bad day, thats all.
James and I spent the whole morning cleaning and prepp for dinner. James best friend and his family was coming to celibrate midsummer with us. It turned out to be a very short celibration though because they came at 6 pm and left 7pm, when James was going to bed. Dont know why? Guess they had something more fun to do?
I was upset in the evening, I was tired, upset about Paul, upset about the crappy midsummer celibration that I spent the whole day prepering for and more tired. I also wondered why no one in my family called or invited us to celibrate midsummer with them, but never mind. Paul and I had dinner and watched Star Trek and ate apple crumble.
I know that you may wonder why I didnt call my family and asked them about their plans? I call them more often then they call me and I always ask them to come for dinner etc, but they never come, so why should I bother? They might be to busy, or maybe they just dont like us? I have no clue.
Poor Grandma is in hospital again, if she wasnt we would go to her ofcourse, she needs to be spoiled with nice dinner and nice company, hopefully she will be well soon!
So well a crappy midsummer ended nicely anyway, watching Star Trek, cuddle with a handsome man and eat apple crumble isnt that bad :P
James and I spent the whole morning cleaning and prepp for dinner. James best friend and his family was coming to celibrate midsummer with us. It turned out to be a very short celibration though because they came at 6 pm and left 7pm, when James was going to bed. Dont know why? Guess they had something more fun to do?
I was upset in the evening, I was tired, upset about Paul, upset about the crappy midsummer celibration that I spent the whole day prepering for and more tired. I also wondered why no one in my family called or invited us to celibrate midsummer with them, but never mind. Paul and I had dinner and watched Star Trek and ate apple crumble.
I know that you may wonder why I didnt call my family and asked them about their plans? I call them more often then they call me and I always ask them to come for dinner etc, but they never come, so why should I bother? They might be to busy, or maybe they just dont like us? I have no clue.
Poor Grandma is in hospital again, if she wasnt we would go to her ofcourse, she needs to be spoiled with nice dinner and nice company, hopefully she will be well soon!
So well a crappy midsummer ended nicely anyway, watching Star Trek, cuddle with a handsome man and eat apple crumble isnt that bad :P
Baaaa, oink, oink!
We have been inside all day today because James got fever. We been having much fun though! Watched cartoons, we slept some, played some football, done puzzles, had a nice bath and James read in his favourite book, a book about farm animals that he got from Marie ( my extra mum and very dear friend). He loves that book so much and you can see that the book has been read many, many times. He knows almost all the animal sounds now, except from pig and roaster. So its been a great day with many smiles and much laughter!
Video- puzzle time!
Playing in the sand
Coffee, scones and millions of ideas
I went to my friend Eva yesterday for coffee and a chat. She made lovely scones and served them with strawberries, home made jam, philadelphia... It was fucking lovely if you ask me! We had a very interesting chat about future plans, Eva is crazy with a millions of ideas just like me, amazing. Well more about that later on!
On my way home I picked up James and went home for a short rest and a cup of tea before we went out to play on the playground. We have the best time when all tree of us is out together, cant belive that last year at this time Paul was so sick that he couldnt go out. I often wonder how I managed to take good care of James and rehabilitate Paul at the same time. It was hard work without any rest. I had to do everything on my own, food shopping, baby doctors, cleaning, washing, phone calls, everything. Thats ok you may think, yes it is, but not when you have to take care of a baby and an extremly sick man aswell. What a nightmare... But I would do it again. Paul is the most wonderful boyfriend and dad, worth fighting for/with.
I feel so happy right now and its wonderful, but my body is extremly tired and I have to be careful and rest, which is hard sometimes, but I am doing my best!
Today we need to prepare for midsummer, James best friend Leon and his parents is going to come here for dinner. Will be great!
On my way home I picked up James and went home for a short rest and a cup of tea before we went out to play on the playground. We have the best time when all tree of us is out together, cant belive that last year at this time Paul was so sick that he couldnt go out. I often wonder how I managed to take good care of James and rehabilitate Paul at the same time. It was hard work without any rest. I had to do everything on my own, food shopping, baby doctors, cleaning, washing, phone calls, everything. Thats ok you may think, yes it is, but not when you have to take care of a baby and an extremly sick man aswell. What a nightmare... But I would do it again. Paul is the most wonderful boyfriend and dad, worth fighting for/with.
I feel so happy right now and its wonderful, but my body is extremly tired and I have to be careful and rest, which is hard sometimes, but I am doing my best!
Today we need to prepare for midsummer, James best friend Leon and his parents is going to come here for dinner. Will be great!
Movie from yesterday
Heres a movie from yesterday when we where feeding ducks :) I promise that future movies will be filmed so that you dont have to move the screen to watch it properly!
Greedy birds and kissing
One more great day! Its so wonderful when you dont feel dead tired anymore. We still need to be careful and rest, but we manage to do much more things now than just a week ago, thanks to day care.
Yesterday was a very romantic and fun day, I had lie in, a nice relaxing bath ( very short though, cant handle being so varm and get a panic feeling after a while), we had muffins for breakfast, Paul said funny things that made us both laugh soo much, we went food shopping, we went to a beautiful lake cowered in water lilies and fed all the greedy birds, we walked all the way home from day care and James carried a fern umbrella almost the whole way home, we sang songs, James did his puzzle at least 15 times, James and I cuddled in the sofa and watched some cartoons, I talked with an old friend thats going to have a baby soon, James fell asleep at 7, Paul and I had romantic candle light dinner, we watched 3 episodes of Star Trek and kissed the whole evening.
Yesterday was a very romantic and fun day, I had lie in, a nice relaxing bath ( very short though, cant handle being so varm and get a panic feeling after a while), we had muffins for breakfast, Paul said funny things that made us both laugh soo much, we went food shopping, we went to a beautiful lake cowered in water lilies and fed all the greedy birds, we walked all the way home from day care and James carried a fern umbrella almost the whole way home, we sang songs, James did his puzzle at least 15 times, James and I cuddled in the sofa and watched some cartoons, I talked with an old friend thats going to have a baby soon, James fell asleep at 7, Paul and I had romantic candle light dinner, we watched 3 episodes of Star Trek and kissed the whole evening.
Yesterdays adventure in pics
Fern umbrella
Smile!
Whats in Birgittas backpack?
Climbing is fun!
More climbing
Having a rest
Exploring
Hide and seek
Forest adventure
As I said last night, I had a great day yesterday! In the morning me and James went to the forest with his friend Miliam and Miliams mum for a guided adventure, well adventure for the children, more like a forest walk for us grown ups. The guide showed the children worms, flowers, snails and sang some songs about the forest. She also showed the children how to throw cones... Me and Miliams mum looked at each other... We just managed to make them stop throwing things... But never mind...
After lunch Paul, James and I went food shopping, James walked all the way home so that he shouldnt fall asleep, hes not allowed to sleep in the day now, if he do he wont fall asleep until 11 in the evening. We jumped in puddles and saw many cars, it was a nice walk.
In the afternoon we went out to play with Miliam again, much fun. It was raining though so when it was time to go inside again James looked like a mudd monster!
James fell asleep in Pauls lap in the evening after a very nice day. Paul watched baseball and I spent my whole evening trying to change the background on the blogg, but as you can see I didnt succeed...
I will try to put some pictures on the blogg from yesterday later! Now its time for some rest!
After lunch Paul, James and I went food shopping, James walked all the way home so that he shouldnt fall asleep, hes not allowed to sleep in the day now, if he do he wont fall asleep until 11 in the evening. We jumped in puddles and saw many cars, it was a nice walk.
In the afternoon we went out to play with Miliam again, much fun. It was raining though so when it was time to go inside again James looked like a mudd monster!
James fell asleep in Pauls lap in the evening after a very nice day. Paul watched baseball and I spent my whole evening trying to change the background on the blogg, but as you can see I didnt succeed...
I will try to put some pictures on the blogg from yesterday later! Now its time for some rest!
Great day!
Had a really good day today! Write more about it tomorrow, because I am to tired now!
Have a nice evening peeps!
Have a nice evening peeps!
Cheese
Weekends are always a bit harder for us, theres no day care which means no rest. Its not that we dont want to be with James because we do, hes amazing, but it is very hard for two already tired parents to stay saine without a break. But we try our best as usual. Paul is going to be home and do laundry today and James and I am going in to the city for a while.
Paul and I realised yesterday that we are a very cheesy couple ( not quiet as cheesy as the last series of Smallville though, thats proper, proper cheesy stuff!) , I love that. Were always so romantic and ye, cheesy. For example in the evenings we lie in the bed together reading our books with a cup of tea on our night tables, sometimes looking at each other with big cheesy smiles, kiss and then we giggle because were so cheesy. Oh I love that man so much! Its even a plessure to just go food shopping together, maybe because that wasnt possible a few months ago? I dont know, I just always feel a bit half when Im not with Paul, not in a bad way though, it means that I always miss and want to be with him, which is a good thing. Theres more cheese, but I choose to keep that for myself, muhahahaha!
Us about 3 years ago <3
Paul and I realised yesterday that we are a very cheesy couple ( not quiet as cheesy as the last series of Smallville though, thats proper, proper cheesy stuff!) , I love that. Were always so romantic and ye, cheesy. For example in the evenings we lie in the bed together reading our books with a cup of tea on our night tables, sometimes looking at each other with big cheesy smiles, kiss and then we giggle because were so cheesy. Oh I love that man so much! Its even a plessure to just go food shopping together, maybe because that wasnt possible a few months ago? I dont know, I just always feel a bit half when Im not with Paul, not in a bad way though, it means that I always miss and want to be with him, which is a good thing. Theres more cheese, but I choose to keep that for myself, muhahahaha!
Us about 3 years ago <3
Princess of cheese
Trust
I dont trust people anymore, I havent thought about it before, but now its very clear for me. I had so much anger and angxiety towards our new social secretary before our meeting yesterday. It turned out he just wanted to help, but we missunderstod eachother. Its not wierd that I have this trust issue, not at all, Ive been let down by many people the last two years but I dont want to be like this. I have to give people a chance. I will try my best as always...
I went to the doctors yesterday and got sick listed. I have to focus on ME now. I am scared, I dont know how to do that?! I am very good at taking care of others, but I suck at taking care of myself. But if I am going to reach my goals that I have, I have to get well, so thats what I am going to do now. Get well.
Step one is to sleep as much as I can, my body is so extremly tired! I will also try to have lots of fun, just do fun things and ignore borring things as much as I can.
Well, I do have a good plan, hopefully I will succed. I really hope I do because I have so many dreams and ideas.
I went to the doctors yesterday and got sick listed. I have to focus on ME now. I am scared, I dont know how to do that?! I am very good at taking care of others, but I suck at taking care of myself. But if I am going to reach my goals that I have, I have to get well, so thats what I am going to do now. Get well.
Step one is to sleep as much as I can, my body is so extremly tired! I will also try to have lots of fun, just do fun things and ignore borring things as much as I can.
Well, I do have a good plan, hopefully I will succed. I really hope I do because I have so many dreams and ideas.
Limpan
Today its 14 years ago my sister took her last breath and left us. I remember it like it was yesterday and at the same time it feels like it was just a dream, something that happend in an earlier life. Our whole life fell appart into a million pieces that never would be joined together again.
Love you lilla Limpan, now and forever.
Climbing mountains
Ok, today its cleaning time. Its time to climb all the mountains created from plates and knives and forks in the kitchen, chase away our new pets (flies) and so on. Not looking forward to it, to tired to do anything really. But you do what you have to do... Tomorrow we will have a restday, it makes it easier to work hard today when you know that you can rest tomorrow.
Having a meeting with our new social secretary and my job coach later, dont see the point at all and it still piss me of, but I will go there. Dont want to risk anything.
Time to go to Day Care!
Having a meeting with our new social secretary and my job coach later, dont see the point at all and it still piss me of, but I will go there. Dont want to risk anything.
Time to go to Day Care!
Zombie tonight
Laundryday... I do wish soooo much that we didnt have to do laundry today, I am exhausted already, tonight I will be a proper zombie.
I got a call from our new social secretary yesterday. Just him calling gives me anxiety, I feel how my shoulders and neck gets stiff and I feel like I want to cry, he makes me so angry that man, so angry. He and my jobb coach wants to discuss my job progress. Dont know how they think that I will be able to work right now when I live with so extremly bad stress and have to take one minute at the time, but I will listen to what they have to say and then they have to listen to me. I hate people that doesnt care enough to read about a clients past and why the person is in the situation that he or she is in. I think I might scream at him because he makes me so, so angry...
The thing is that he got everything wrong. He wants me to work now. He thinks that its important that I get out and work and he sais that the comunity can take care of my family?! I dont understand how he thinks, isnt it more important that we function as a family first? That we feel well and healed before we take the next step? I do want to work etc, but I cant right now. Thats life, one day i will be able to, but a human have to have a chance to recover from being burned out, slowely, otherwise he or she will fall again and it will be much harder to get on your feet the second time...
Everyone else that we are in contact with is so impressed by our progress and are telling us to slow down and just try to have some fun and to relax, everyone that knows us sais that. It proves that this new social secretary doesnt have a clue what we been through this past year. I am very upset about this, I shouldnt have to defend myself. Just because I took one step and started as an volanteer, but didnt manage I am in this mess, why cant they just let me be? I will try again when I/we are ready. I want to be free from the welfare office, NOW!
I got a call from our new social secretary yesterday. Just him calling gives me anxiety, I feel how my shoulders and neck gets stiff and I feel like I want to cry, he makes me so angry that man, so angry. He and my jobb coach wants to discuss my job progress. Dont know how they think that I will be able to work right now when I live with so extremly bad stress and have to take one minute at the time, but I will listen to what they have to say and then they have to listen to me. I hate people that doesnt care enough to read about a clients past and why the person is in the situation that he or she is in. I think I might scream at him because he makes me so, so angry...
The thing is that he got everything wrong. He wants me to work now. He thinks that its important that I get out and work and he sais that the comunity can take care of my family?! I dont understand how he thinks, isnt it more important that we function as a family first? That we feel well and healed before we take the next step? I do want to work etc, but I cant right now. Thats life, one day i will be able to, but a human have to have a chance to recover from being burned out, slowely, otherwise he or she will fall again and it will be much harder to get on your feet the second time...
Everyone else that we are in contact with is so impressed by our progress and are telling us to slow down and just try to have some fun and to relax, everyone that knows us sais that. It proves that this new social secretary doesnt have a clue what we been through this past year. I am very upset about this, I shouldnt have to defend myself. Just because I took one step and started as an volanteer, but didnt manage I am in this mess, why cant they just let me be? I will try again when I/we are ready. I want to be free from the welfare office, NOW!
Pretty normal?!
I am starting to realise that we are not so wierd as I think we are. We went for a Habiliterings meeting yesterday to discuss Pauls weekly activites. They asked if we had problems deeling with our everyday life. We dont, as long as James isnt sick for a long time because then we dont get any rest and everything builds up, laundry, cleaning and we get extremly tired.
Maybe we take things to seriously? Maybe were being to hard on ourselves? I mean first of all we have a little kid, which means less rest and sleep in periods, sometimes no sleep or rest at all. Paul is working on his problems all day everyday and so am I. On top of that were trying to get new friends and creating a network, which is going pretty well. People seems to like us? Paul also has his Swedish and his physio training. If you look back just 5 months Paul couldnt handle anything of the things that he does now and it so amazing how hard we work all the time. Sometimes I feel like a big faliure though, when everythings messy at home, when I cant do things that I need to do and so on, but that is how everyone feels when things not going smooth. Have to start to understand that were not aliens, were pretty normal after all.
The most amazing thing is that after all we been through we still love and fancy each other as much, well more actually than when we met. I think that we are the best couple in the universe and I am so happy that I we have each other.
When we feel rested again were going to start swimming togheter, looking forward to that. I am very exited to see where we will be this time next year, maybe we both have jobs, it would be amazing....
Maybe we take things to seriously? Maybe were being to hard on ourselves? I mean first of all we have a little kid, which means less rest and sleep in periods, sometimes no sleep or rest at all. Paul is working on his problems all day everyday and so am I. On top of that were trying to get new friends and creating a network, which is going pretty well. People seems to like us? Paul also has his Swedish and his physio training. If you look back just 5 months Paul couldnt handle anything of the things that he does now and it so amazing how hard we work all the time. Sometimes I feel like a big faliure though, when everythings messy at home, when I cant do things that I need to do and so on, but that is how everyone feels when things not going smooth. Have to start to understand that were not aliens, were pretty normal after all.
The most amazing thing is that after all we been through we still love and fancy each other as much, well more actually than when we met. I think that we are the best couple in the universe and I am so happy that I we have each other.
When we feel rested again were going to start swimming togheter, looking forward to that. I am very exited to see where we will be this time next year, maybe we both have jobs, it would be amazing....
broken
I am broken. After a month with a sick kid, not being able to rest or sleep at all I am crawling around, trying to get the strength to get up on my feet again. But I cant find it, anywhere. As usual my life is like a soap opera, my mum is back in my life because i didnt look on my phone before I answered. Thats good you might think and yes it might be but the amount of energy that she takes everytime she calls is just to big. Will she go back to her ex husband who beats her or will she get better? Will I get my mum back? Will she be there for James? I want my mum back, I hate that I do, because I will probably get hurt again, like a hundred times before.
I tried to do something for me, just me. I started to work in a flowershop as an volanter. The first days was wonderful and i felt so good, awesome, amazing. Then it turns out that the whole staff is burned out or sick in some way, which means that everything is a mess, they didnt want my help fixing it so I said that I couldnt come anymore. I cant stand people that cant see things that needs to be done even when you point at it. It means that they dont really care. I cant work with people that doesnt care.
There is more drama, but I dont have the energy to write about it. I dont want to be this tired and stressed, I wake up with anxiety and I go to sleep with it. Strong anxiety that makes you cry and womit. My pills doesnt help me at all anymore. I have to take one hour at the time, sometimes one minute at the time. I do know that it will get better, but when you are in the middle of chaos its sometimes hard to see the way out. Right now I can just see all the things that I need to do, a million things it feels like. I hate it....
I tried to do something for me, just me. I started to work in a flowershop as an volanter. The first days was wonderful and i felt so good, awesome, amazing. Then it turns out that the whole staff is burned out or sick in some way, which means that everything is a mess, they didnt want my help fixing it so I said that I couldnt come anymore. I cant stand people that cant see things that needs to be done even when you point at it. It means that they dont really care. I cant work with people that doesnt care.
There is more drama, but I dont have the energy to write about it. I dont want to be this tired and stressed, I wake up with anxiety and I go to sleep with it. Strong anxiety that makes you cry and womit. My pills doesnt help me at all anymore. I have to take one hour at the time, sometimes one minute at the time. I do know that it will get better, but when you are in the middle of chaos its sometimes hard to see the way out. Right now I can just see all the things that I need to do, a million things it feels like. I hate it....
