Zombie mode...
I know that I promised to publish som pics last night, but I was in zombie mode= half asleep in the sofa all night. I was so tired that I felt sick and my body felt like jelly. I managed to have a shower and Paul made us some fries for dinner.
I dont feel so good today either, I dont know if I am getting what James has or if its just my usuall tiredness. I got a lot of anxiety before when Paul went of to school, dont know why. Guess I felt lonley. I walked around in our appartment and just paniced. I am to tired to do anything, because I havent slept in ages and my head is crowded with negative thoughts, I feel borring, ugly, fragile, but also happy, grateful, loved, comfused, sad. I feel like I am never ever good enough. Paul tells me all the time that I am the best, but it doesnt stick. I never been good enough for my mum, I know thats the reason that that feeling is so strong and hard to controll. My mum always had a very bad picture of herself, she thought that she wasnt good enough either. She passed that on to me. I know that she didnt mean to make me insecuire, her intention was to make me feel good about myself, but she didnt do it right. You dont make anyone feel good if you say things like, you shouldnt eat that you get fat, or wow look you can fit in an size xs now!! I do know that she ment well though.
I know that most of you all must think that I am the most negative person in the world, maybe you think that I am lazy aswell, I mean all I do is to look after a little boy, right? I am sorry, Im not so nice right now, I am to tired and bored. I feel like Im an alien that no one cares about, and yes I know that there is some people that cares and I am grateful for you and I love you but thats just how I feel today.
James is better today and hes running around the appartment giggeling. Hes so lovely, we were dancing before and it made me feel a bit better. I know that Paul was very tired yesterday, but I hope that he will have som energy left when he comes home from school because I will be dead by then.... I will try to be more posetive tomorrow... Or maybe tonight already?
I dont feel so good today either, I dont know if I am getting what James has or if its just my usuall tiredness. I got a lot of anxiety before when Paul went of to school, dont know why. Guess I felt lonley. I walked around in our appartment and just paniced. I am to tired to do anything, because I havent slept in ages and my head is crowded with negative thoughts, I feel borring, ugly, fragile, but also happy, grateful, loved, comfused, sad. I feel like I am never ever good enough. Paul tells me all the time that I am the best, but it doesnt stick. I never been good enough for my mum, I know thats the reason that that feeling is so strong and hard to controll. My mum always had a very bad picture of herself, she thought that she wasnt good enough either. She passed that on to me. I know that she didnt mean to make me insecuire, her intention was to make me feel good about myself, but she didnt do it right. You dont make anyone feel good if you say things like, you shouldnt eat that you get fat, or wow look you can fit in an size xs now!! I do know that she ment well though.
I know that most of you all must think that I am the most negative person in the world, maybe you think that I am lazy aswell, I mean all I do is to look after a little boy, right? I am sorry, Im not so nice right now, I am to tired and bored. I feel like Im an alien that no one cares about, and yes I know that there is some people that cares and I am grateful for you and I love you but thats just how I feel today.
James is better today and hes running around the appartment giggeling. Hes so lovely, we were dancing before and it made me feel a bit better. I know that Paul was very tired yesterday, but I hope that he will have som energy left when he comes home from school because I will be dead by then.... I will try to be more posetive tomorrow... Or maybe tonight already?
Heres some pics from the last couple of weeks
Puking monkey...
Hi everyone!
I am sorry that I havent written for a while, James is sick again, last night he woke us up by puking on me. He puked a whole ocean on me and all over the bed :( Poor little monkey! When he was all nice and clean again he puked a second time. So there hasnt been much sleep... I am a zombie at the moment! Paul is tired aswell, the poor man had to wipe all the puke up while I was taking care of James. Pretty impressive that he woke up even if he has his sleeping pill. He flew up like if the house was on fire when I asked him to help me. YES! YES! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???? :D
James seems fine though, hes running around and playing like he usually does, but his stomach is upset still...
So, another day half dead on the sofa for me.... And Paul.... I promise to try to find my camera cable tonight so that I can publish some pics from the last week!
Heres an old pic, cute huh?!
Happy crazy people
I am so proud and impressed by Paul, he started school last friday, he went for a meeting with habiliteringen to tell them exactly what kind of help we need, after the meeting he went to a shopping mall and bought a cd and took the tram home without getting stressed, he plays with James without getting stressed, he makes shopping lists, he goes to the shop on his own to buy food, he does dishes and cook lovely dinners for me. I could go on all day.
Right now I am all alone in our appartment, James is in Day Care and Paul is in school. Its all quiet. It feels wierd, but good wierd. For the first time we can plan what we want to do in the future because its not just a big scary question mark anymore, it feels... I cant describe how it feels, it feels so wonderful! What am I supposed to do now? Who am I? Ive been so busy helping Paul and taking care of James that Ive forgotten a little about who I am. Now I will have time to do what ever I want, be the person I want to be. Right now I have to focus on resting though, to get rid of all the huge pressure Ive had on my shoulders the last 2 years, it will take a while to adapt to this new way of living and I will give it time. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW :D
And I do know that there will be days when we will take many steps back, it will be very hard and bla bla bla... Dont worry!
I am going to have a nap now! SO NICE!
Right now I am all alone in our appartment, James is in Day Care and Paul is in school. Its all quiet. It feels wierd, but good wierd. For the first time we can plan what we want to do in the future because its not just a big scary question mark anymore, it feels... I cant describe how it feels, it feels so wonderful! What am I supposed to do now? Who am I? Ive been so busy helping Paul and taking care of James that Ive forgotten a little about who I am. Now I will have time to do what ever I want, be the person I want to be. Right now I have to focus on resting though, to get rid of all the huge pressure Ive had on my shoulders the last 2 years, it will take a while to adapt to this new way of living and I will give it time. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW :D
And I do know that there will be days when we will take many steps back, it will be very hard and bla bla bla... Dont worry!
I am going to have a nap now! SO NICE!
Practice what you preach!
I am back from my breakdown now. Yes I had a proper breakdown, crying, anxiety all day and night, just wanted to sleep or disapear from everything, I was also scared, very scared, I have never felt like I did before and I know that I have to do something about it now. The crash really crushed me and my normally so well functioning brain, no I dont mean that I am unusually smart or anything like that, but usually I am an expert when it comes to think the right thoughts, thoughts that helps me to feel good. Diana Fabian thought me how to do that when I had my first breakdown, the knowledge that she gave me thoose five times I went to her is what I have been using to get Paul better. You just have to think right, its that simple. A week ago I wasnt thinking at all, bad things was spinning inside of my head and I couldnt see any of the good things in my life, I just saw what I dont have.
One evening Paul told me that he couldnt be around me anymore, it felt like a slap in my face... I woke up again. My friend Mariana also told me to do something, to practice what I preach. So thats what I am doing now. I am very grateful for what Paul and Mariana did. Thank you!!
The first day was hard, I had some anxiety but could control it and we had a nice day. The second day the anxiety was gone... Yesterday I felt so happy! Today aswell.
Many things has happened since I wrote the last time, I will tell you about it tomorrow!
I want you all to know that I do know that my english writing is worse than ever right now. I am very tired and I am traumatised, hopefully it will get better soon. Hopefully you all do understand what I am writing anyway...
Have a wonderful sunday!!
One evening Paul told me that he couldnt be around me anymore, it felt like a slap in my face... I woke up again. My friend Mariana also told me to do something, to practice what I preach. So thats what I am doing now. I am very grateful for what Paul and Mariana did. Thank you!!
The first day was hard, I had some anxiety but could control it and we had a nice day. The second day the anxiety was gone... Yesterday I felt so happy! Today aswell.
Many things has happened since I wrote the last time, I will tell you about it tomorrow!
I want you all to know that I do know that my english writing is worse than ever right now. I am very tired and I am traumatised, hopefully it will get better soon. Hopefully you all do understand what I am writing anyway...
Have a wonderful sunday!!
.................
I dont have anything to say right now, more than everythings shit. I will return when I have energy.... Take care.
Superwoman...
I have to become superwoman again now, it doesnt matter how hard it is or how much my angxiety nags in my back. Paul cant take anymore now, hes been so amazing, but now hes to tired. When I say tired I mean that you feel like youve been hit by a car, that tired, knocked out. I can see him starting to isolate himself again, it hurts so much, we were doing so good. Hopefully he will be ok if he gets some rest today, but I dont know, he used all his strenght taking care of us and everything else the last two weeks.
He was so upset last night. You always have to be perfect otherwise everything falls becuse I am sick. I dont want it to be like that, he said. Offcourse not I told him. But I think you are good enough and amazing, so I will be perfect until we get help.
I hope that I will find the strenght somewere.... Maybe someone will offer some help... Who knows? I dont know if I care anymore...
He was so upset last night. You always have to be perfect otherwise everything falls becuse I am sick. I dont want it to be like that, he said. Offcourse not I told him. But I think you are good enough and amazing, so I will be perfect until we get help.
I hope that I will find the strenght somewere.... Maybe someone will offer some help... Who knows? I dont know if I care anymore...
Please help me...
I am still in a bad shape today. Not as bad as yesterday though. I was very emotional yesterday and angry with everyone and everything. I had to lie down most of the day, because of pain and tiredness. I dont understand that I still think that people cares about me, I am stupid. I called my dad to ask if he or my brother could come and help us, no... Youre so far away was my brothers answer. Dad would never drive me to Gothenburg. Dad asked me if I couldnt ask the local authority for help.... I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO COME HOME AND PLAY A LITTLE WITH JAMES, so that Paul and I can rest. I actually got a bit surprised. Yes I know I must be stupid. I do still believe that people cares. Why?? Because I do care. I always thinks that people are like I am, which is very wrong. But I never learn. I can tell you all that it hurts like hell when your own family doesnt care about you, it made me feel even more alone and down and it fed my evil thoughts, I am not worth anything...
I should know better by now really. People thinks that I am home because I think its fun and Paul is home because hes lazy. We sit on our big, fat and lazy ases all day and we feel sorry for ourselves. We live on your money and we should be grateful for all the great help that you get in this country, because if you are sick you get the help you need, right?? Well, if you do think so you dont know me or Paul, thats all I want to say.
I got a comment from Pauls guiding person a couple of days ago. We were talking about paul and how well hes doing at the moment. I told her that 6 month ago he couldnt even go out for 5 min without having a panicattack. Really? She answered. Normally it takes people about 3 years to get this far. You both must have worked really hard. Yes ofcourse, I said. Paul wants to be the best he can be for us and he works hard everyday to get better, so do I.
Sometimes I wish that Paul just had one leg or something, then people would see that something was wrong and understand that that person might need help. No one can see that Paul is sick if he doesnt tell, the same with me, no one can see that I am sick either. The people that does care knows though, there is a few people out there that cares and we are very grateful and happy that we have you, you know who you are.
I should know better by now really. People thinks that I am home because I think its fun and Paul is home because hes lazy. We sit on our big, fat and lazy ases all day and we feel sorry for ourselves. We live on your money and we should be grateful for all the great help that you get in this country, because if you are sick you get the help you need, right?? Well, if you do think so you dont know me or Paul, thats all I want to say.
I got a comment from Pauls guiding person a couple of days ago. We were talking about paul and how well hes doing at the moment. I told her that 6 month ago he couldnt even go out for 5 min without having a panicattack. Really? She answered. Normally it takes people about 3 years to get this far. You both must have worked really hard. Yes ofcourse, I said. Paul wants to be the best he can be for us and he works hard everyday to get better, so do I.
Sometimes I wish that Paul just had one leg or something, then people would see that something was wrong and understand that that person might need help. No one can see that Paul is sick if he doesnt tell, the same with me, no one can see that I am sick either. The people that does care knows though, there is a few people out there that cares and we are very grateful and happy that we have you, you know who you are.
Fuck this...
I am breaking down now... I didnt think that this was serious, but I know it is now. I have a big anxiety lump in my back and I am crying a lot. I am scared, very scared... I dont have energy or time to fight anymore with hospitals and doctors, which I will have to do if this wiplash is serious. I dont have the money either. I am wondering what I have done to derserve this, fuck sake... I always do my best, I am always nice to people and help others as much as I can. Everything is already so hard. Pauls been superman the last two weeks, hes really pushing himself, more than he should, I know that. That scares me to, I dont want him to get bad again, when he started to be ok. Fuck this life, fuck everything! I just want to smash everything and scream. I wish I had a family, I need help, we need help. When I ask for some help with a simple thing as laundry I just get, cant Paul do it if you cant? NO HE CANT, well he can but he shouldnt, he has a very bad back and he just shouldnt! OK!!!!!!!!! I am alone, all alone and no one cares.
Crap
I do feel like crap today! Dizzy and I cant focus properly... But hopefully it will get better soon. I went to the baby doctor with James today on his 15 month check up. Everything was great :D
Paul went to the shop and bought us some food and then we went home again. Even managed to do some washing today, but it was to much. I need rest! Now we do have some clean clothes anyway... Paul is still superman, hes always my superman <3
I cant write more now, I get to tired in my brain... Hope you all have had a good day!
I want ice cream!... Ice cream always make me feel better..
Paul went to the shop and bought us some food and then we went home again. Even managed to do some washing today, but it was to much. I need rest! Now we do have some clean clothes anyway... Paul is still superman, hes always my superman <3
I cant write more now, I get to tired in my brain... Hope you all have had a good day!
I want ice cream!... Ice cream always make me feel better..
Dizzy and half dead...
Havent slept all night, James have been upset and worried all night, poor little monkey! I feel totally dead! I am happy to have my wonderful Paul, hes taking care of us. James and Paul have so much fun together now, Ive taken one step back and given Paul more responsibility and it works, all mums should do that! Now Pauls got more confidence and he doesnt get stressed anymore, its great.
Well , I am going to try to do something now, dont know if I will be able to do anything at all, I am all dizzy, but Ill try..
Well , I am going to try to do something now, dont know if I will be able to do anything at all, I am all dizzy, but Ill try..
Heres some cute old pics of the little monkey!
Someone is testing us..
Someone is testing us, thats for sure! Were sick, have been for over a month now,then Grandma goes to hospital and we all thought that she wouldnt make it and what happened yesterday?? We got hit by a car AGAIN!!!! What the fuck is wrong with people!!?? Are all people in Gothenburg color blind? I stopped fo red light and CRASH!! Im a stupid woman though because I had a fat big telly in the seat behind me, that crashed right into my seat. Think it knocked me out for a sek. Paul just screamed NOT AGAIN! And then ran out to get James, that was screaming and crying.
The driver from the car that hit our car came out and asked us if were ok, he cept trying to hug us aswell, I just wanted to yell at him and tell him to go to hell! But I didnt... I am to Swedish I guess...
I mean, how much do you have to take in this life? Its not even 6 months since we were in our first car crash ( a bus drove straight into us when Ive stopped for red light...)
Paul is ok and James aswell, I have pain in my back and neck though so I have to eat medecin now for a week and then go and do some sick gymnastiks or what you call it.... Dont now if my poor car will make it yet... I love that car... :´(
I am so sad and angry, its hard enough as it is, now were sick, I am in pain and shouldnt carry stuff, Paul is so tired because hes been Superman the last week, taking care of everything ( I am very impressed by him!), the apartment look like HELL,and we dont have any clean clothes left... GAH!! HELP!!
Grandma is getting better at least! We are very happy for that!!
I want to thank my dear friend Mariana for helping us yesterday! You are a star!!
Thats all for now, have to rest....
Have a nice day
The driver from the car that hit our car came out and asked us if were ok, he cept trying to hug us aswell, I just wanted to yell at him and tell him to go to hell! But I didnt... I am to Swedish I guess...
I mean, how much do you have to take in this life? Its not even 6 months since we were in our first car crash ( a bus drove straight into us when Ive stopped for red light...)
Paul is ok and James aswell, I have pain in my back and neck though so I have to eat medecin now for a week and then go and do some sick gymnastiks or what you call it.... Dont now if my poor car will make it yet... I love that car... :´(
I am so sad and angry, its hard enough as it is, now were sick, I am in pain and shouldnt carry stuff, Paul is so tired because hes been Superman the last week, taking care of everything ( I am very impressed by him!), the apartment look like HELL,and we dont have any clean clothes left... GAH!! HELP!!
Grandma is getting better at least! We are very happy for that!!
I want to thank my dear friend Mariana for helping us yesterday! You are a star!!
Thats all for now, have to rest....
Have a nice day
She might make it!
It seems like grandma will make it, shes weak though. I am to tired to write here right now, everything is a big mess and I have to sort it out a bit everyday this week. So I will write as much as I can... Take care people....
Please dont die
My whole body is acheing from anxiety. I got a call from my brother last night. He told me that my aunt found grandma on the bathroom floor. Shes in the hospital now, theyve done a brain scan, no bleeding. Theyre going to take a sample from her bone marrow today and see if they can find anything. I dont want her to die, shes not aloud to die now, I need her, we need her. Why is it always like this? When things seems to be a little easier then everything crasches again. I will write more when I know more....
Sick monkey...
James is sick, our poor little monkey... He has high fever and is very upset. Paul is cuddeling him in the sofa now. So I dont have time to blogg, lets see if we have something good to write about tomorrow! hope you all good.
ZZZzzz
I am totally exhausted now! Did some work in the appartment today, have to get everything ready, but its not easy to get things done with a little chimpans running around like a maniac... Longing so much for spring and the new wallpapers and a tidy appartment and everything!!! One day... Hopefully soon... Going to watch some telly now and relax... I need that!
Crawling monkey
Wednesday, I am soooo tired.... Didnt sleep much last night because James was crawling around on me. We are trying to get him use to not sleeping in our bed, he sleeps on his madrass next to our bed. Today we will build his bed togheter, dont know if it will work though, now when hes so use to sleep next to us, but I guess we have to try!
Paul feels very depressed today, not fun at all, but that how things are. We had a couple of great days and then he gets tired and depressed, it will be better in the future.
To one subject to another... I saw a program called The secret milionaire last night, the milionaire went to Gothenburg to live as a poor person. It was very emotional to watch and I wish that I could do something to help all the homeless people here. In the future I will, I made that promise to myself, when I feel ready for applying for jobs I will work as an volanter until I get a job. Its so horrible that people doesnt have a roof over their head, especially now when its winter.
Hope you all will have a good day!
Paul feels very depressed today, not fun at all, but that how things are. We had a couple of great days and then he gets tired and depressed, it will be better in the future.
To one subject to another... I saw a program called The secret milionaire last night, the milionaire went to Gothenburg to live as a poor person. It was very emotional to watch and I wish that I could do something to help all the homeless people here. In the future I will, I made that promise to myself, when I feel ready for applying for jobs I will work as an volanter until I get a job. Its so horrible that people doesnt have a roof over their head, especially now when its winter.
Hope you all will have a good day!
Amazing man, amazing woman, amazing kid
Its been a good day today. Paul have been amazing, hes amazing everyday, but I thought extra about it today. He does the dishes and cleans the floors everyday, today he made us all lunch and spent extra time with James. It might not sound much in your ears but it is big steps in the right direction! He is exhausted most of the time, but still fight so hard and he always does his best, thats why I love him so much and thats why I stay by his side and gives him my support. Guess its easier to fight hard if you have a beautiful son and girlfriend. On monday he will start his Swedish course and we got a call from Habiliteringen yesterday, they just wanted us to know that they where working on our case and they will send a letter to us when they decided what to do. It was nice to get that call, maybe we can trust these people?? Cant believe that 6 monts ago Paul couldnt leave the appartment because he had such a bad social fobia, we started with 5 min walks, he couldnt walk further because he almost strew up from the panicattacs he got when he went outside. He couldnt do anything because he was so sick, not even cook dinner, it was to stressful. He still havent got even one theraphy hour, we have done all this hard work ourselves. Were the best team in the world!!
Charming!
When I woke up this morning I got another beautiful charm for my bracelet! I am so happy, just what I wanted :D
Tonight I will give Paul his gift, I know that he will love it! I am so exited! Will blogg about it tomorrow!
Cuddles!
Cuddles with my beautiful monkey <3
Oooo I love you so!!
Oooo I love you so!!
Sunday, again?!
I am tired today! Like I was yesterday aswell, so tired. Thinking of my mum and other things really drained my energy! Have to find some new quick! James and I am going in to the city today, going to pick up some stuff. Going to check how much a new cable is for my phone, need it so that I can put some movies on the blogg! I have so many!
The appartment looks like hell again, it just happens over a day! Like magic and its all James fault! Hes a professional mess maker!
Paul and I need some help, we have to prepare the appartment because there will be painters coming soon to put up new wallpapers, so if anyone have time to help please say! Much appritiated! HELP!!!!!
Paul is sick again, ear infection or something... My poor man... Hope he will feel better soon.
Well thats whats happening over here... Hope you all will have nice sunday!!
Me and James zzzzzzzzz, Paul took a pic without me knowing, he always does that when we sleep!
The appartment looks like hell again, it just happens over a day! Like magic and its all James fault! Hes a professional mess maker!
Paul and I need some help, we have to prepare the appartment because there will be painters coming soon to put up new wallpapers, so if anyone have time to help please say! Much appritiated! HELP!!!!!
Paul is sick again, ear infection or something... My poor man... Hope he will feel better soon.
Well thats whats happening over here... Hope you all will have nice sunday!!
Me and James zzzzzzzzz, Paul took a pic without me knowing, he always does that when we sleep!
