Playing in the rain
James and I went out in the rain this afternoon, it was nice to come out from the appartment, but we had to go back pretty soon because James didnt think it was fun when it was wet everywhere. When we came in around 4 he fell asleep. AARRRGGHHHHH. Why? Why, why, why? He woke up after 30 min but couldnt hold his eyes open. Going to be interesting to see when he will wake up....
Ive been angry since he fell asleep, I really need some time for myself now and I am desperate! I am so frustrated, enoyed, pissed off, well you see what I mean... I need a SPA weekend, or just a bath would do, without interupt.
As you can see in one of the pics, he tried to have a nap, but it was to wet!
Ive been angry since he fell asleep, I really need some time for myself now and I am desperate! I am so frustrated, enoyed, pissed off, well you see what I mean... I need a SPA weekend, or just a bath would do, without interupt.
As you can see in one of the pics, he tried to have a nap, but it was to wet!
Yey!
Hi there!
We are going out today! Me and James, Pauls going to stay in and rest his over heated Asperger brain. I am very impressed with Paul, hes been handeling everything so well and he lasted a whole week before he really needed to rest his brain, before he couldnt even deal with one day, he used to rest at least two times a day so that he could calm his brain down. Its getting better all the time! If you consider that he havent slept enough either its even more impressive.
Its going to be a good day today, James is feeling better and finally eating and I got about 4 hours sleep so I feel okey aswell. This afternoon were meeting our neighbor for a playdate outside, James is going to be sooo happy!
We are going out today! Me and James, Pauls going to stay in and rest his over heated Asperger brain. I am very impressed with Paul, hes been handeling everything so well and he lasted a whole week before he really needed to rest his brain, before he couldnt even deal with one day, he used to rest at least two times a day so that he could calm his brain down. Its getting better all the time! If you consider that he havent slept enough either its even more impressive.
Its going to be a good day today, James is feeling better and finally eating and I got about 4 hours sleep so I feel okey aswell. This afternoon were meeting our neighbor for a playdate outside, James is going to be sooo happy!
Have a good day!
Jum Jum!
Getting better all the time, better, better, better...
Good morning,
its been a sleepless night again, starting to get stupid now! James is getting better though, thats all that matters. Hes been very ill and the other day I had to ask my kind neighbor to drive me to the hospital so that we could get some medication for him.
The whole family is very tired and the appartment looks like hell ofcourse. But what can you do? Its better to give the small amount off energy that we got to James, the mess wont go anywhere...
I am starting to get seriously bored now, after 5 days in the sofa watching boring cartoons, James on me all the time, not letting me put him down for one second, not so fun anymore. Pauls been trying to hold him, but James been to ill, he just wanted his mum, not even I could give him comfort sometimes. Most of the time we been trying to sit togheter and calm him down, Chickenpocks is horrible!! I havent been out in days and Paul has been to the shops and pharmacys and so on, been cooking all the meals and everything else, hes the best man and dad in the world!
I am so exited about next Monday, when I am going to FlowerDesign to get work experience. I have so many ideas that my head might explode soon!
its been a sleepless night again, starting to get stupid now! James is getting better though, thats all that matters. Hes been very ill and the other day I had to ask my kind neighbor to drive me to the hospital so that we could get some medication for him.
The whole family is very tired and the appartment looks like hell ofcourse. But what can you do? Its better to give the small amount off energy that we got to James, the mess wont go anywhere...
I am starting to get seriously bored now, after 5 days in the sofa watching boring cartoons, James on me all the time, not letting me put him down for one second, not so fun anymore. Pauls been trying to hold him, but James been to ill, he just wanted his mum, not even I could give him comfort sometimes. Most of the time we been trying to sit togheter and calm him down, Chickenpocks is horrible!! I havent been out in days and Paul has been to the shops and pharmacys and so on, been cooking all the meals and everything else, hes the best man and dad in the world!
I am so exited about next Monday, when I am going to FlowerDesign to get work experience. I have so many ideas that my head might explode soon!
Heres a video from James birthday last year, enjoy.
Stupid chicken pocks!!
We havent slept at all, poor little James was so itchy all night. He is very brave and good as usuall though! Paul is in school, after that hes off to his physio and then he will get some food in the shop. I am trying to clean a bit more, change beddings and so on. Tonight we will watch some more Star Trek and take it easy.
Heres two more movies, have to publish all the old ones first so that we can publish some new ones soon!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ImuHyG3dRU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcmNq3SlqdU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ImuHyG3dRU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcmNq3SlqdU
Good morning peeps!
Good morning peeps!
Yes it actually feels like a pretty good morning today, dont feel depressed, nice. Today its cleaning on my schedual, need to get this place in order so that friends that comes to the door actually can come in without climbing mountains... Going to be dead in a couple of hours so better use the energy I have now.
Yes it actually feels like a pretty good morning today, dont feel depressed, nice. Today its cleaning on my schedual, need to get this place in order so that friends that comes to the door actually can come in without climbing mountains... Going to be dead in a couple of hours so better use the energy I have now.
Press the link below to see James when he cleans for the first time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1IpjGPblWA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1IpjGPblWA
Laundryday etc
Laundry day and James has chickenpocks, lovely combination and if you ad depression on that aswell, it gets even better... James is going to stay home the whole week, poor little thing, but its good that he gets Chickenpocks now when his small anyway, just wish that I felt better so it would be easier to handle. Going out later to see the neighbor and her daughter, they want Chickenpocks so we are going to try to fix that :)
I want to thank Challe for her comment that she wrote to me yesterday, it feels so good when our friends cares and I want you to know that it makes a huge differens. Thank you Challe! <3
I want to thank Challe for her comment that she wrote to me yesterday, it feels so good when our friends cares and I want you to know that it makes a huge differens. Thank you Challe! <3
Trying my best...
I never, ever felt like this before, this depressed. I dont want to get out off bed in the morning, I dont want to put clothes on, nothing, just want to cry all day. I hate myself at the moment, my looks, my clothes, my stupid thoughts, everything. I am a needy cow at the moment! I am doing my best though, as always and Paul is very supportive, hes an expert in how to live with deppression after all. He gives me extra attention and tells me how good I am. I am lucky to have him, hes the best!
We went to the food shop earlier, think I spent an hour to get ready before we went and I still just wanted to womit when I saw myself in the mirror, my head is crowded with bad and evil thoughts. After we had been in the shop paul bought me lunch, it was nice, had a little lasagna and som lemonade.
Paul is picking James up from day care now and when hes home we will give James dinner and then James and I am going to go out with our neighbor and her daughter, I dont really want to do anything, but I have to force myself, otherwise I will get worse. Pauls going to stay home and rest and tonight were going to watch Star Trek all night until we fall asleep.
We went to the food shop earlier, think I spent an hour to get ready before we went and I still just wanted to womit when I saw myself in the mirror, my head is crowded with bad and evil thoughts. After we had been in the shop paul bought me lunch, it was nice, had a little lasagna and som lemonade.
Paul is picking James up from day care now and when hes home we will give James dinner and then James and I am going to go out with our neighbor and her daughter, I dont really want to do anything, but I have to force myself, otherwise I will get worse. Pauls going to stay home and rest and tonight were going to watch Star Trek all night until we fall asleep.
Heres some pictures of James from last summer
Hes so beautiful
Hes so beautiful
Latest news from a sick and tired person
Hi everyone.
Been long since I wrote anything in here now, feels like Im not able to write at the moment, my brain wont work with me. I will try my best today though, just for you.
Our life is like a roller coaster, it goes up and down, up and down, its exhausting! Paul got a new antidepression medication and when he started to take it he became very ill, he was dissy, his arms and hands getting numb and he had mode swings from hell. Do I have to tell you that it was horrible to see him like that? It was so hard to see him suffer and I was struggeling to, I was all alone with everything again.
Its funny how people thinks that if you not well you can just go to a doctor, get some meds and then everything will be fine. It doesnt work that way, not at all. Its scary to think about all the people thats depressed or ill, you have to fight so hard to get help and wait so long, if you not end up killing yourself before you see your doctor the first time its a miracle. I went to the hospital 2 months ago, I had panicattacks and couldnt even take a shower without crying because I was so exhausted. I havent seen my doctor yet, next week he will see me and then it will take even longer until I get to see a psychologist. If I had money I would already have a private psychologist and already feel a bit better. Its not fair. It pisses me of. Everyone should have the same right to get help.
Pauls side effects from his new medication is getting better, he doesnt get dissy anymore and the numbness is gone aswell, we hope that the mode swings will go soon to, its very hard to live with.
I am very depressed at the moment and so exhausted, I just feel like crying all the time. I feel like I am nothing and I am so sick of fighting. I am sick of my brain that doesnt function, I cant read or think properly. I wish that I could go to bed and sleep for a week in a dark room all alone. I want to hug my mom so badly and I wish that she wasnt an alcoholic so that she could be here with us and see James. As you can see I have many wishes. I also feel so much guilt towards James, I was thinking about giving him away last night, he deserves so much better than me. I hope that the doctor I will see next week have some antidepressions for me that will help me because I cant do this anymore now.
Its been to much latley, Ive been fighting so hard to be me, to get back to work, to be a normal healthy person. Last tuesday, I had three panicattacks and I almost thought that I was going to die. It just killed my body and I still havent recovered from it, my body is totally dead. I went to a flowershop the day after to talk about work experience and when I could start. I think that the pressure that I felt caused my panic. Its so bloody hard to get back to a normal life. I will get back though, one day. For every step that you take forward, you take five back, you have to fight, fight and fight.
I am going to sleep now, I hope that you all will have a good day and dont forget to take care of yourselves.
Been long since I wrote anything in here now, feels like Im not able to write at the moment, my brain wont work with me. I will try my best today though, just for you.
Our life is like a roller coaster, it goes up and down, up and down, its exhausting! Paul got a new antidepression medication and when he started to take it he became very ill, he was dissy, his arms and hands getting numb and he had mode swings from hell. Do I have to tell you that it was horrible to see him like that? It was so hard to see him suffer and I was struggeling to, I was all alone with everything again.
Its funny how people thinks that if you not well you can just go to a doctor, get some meds and then everything will be fine. It doesnt work that way, not at all. Its scary to think about all the people thats depressed or ill, you have to fight so hard to get help and wait so long, if you not end up killing yourself before you see your doctor the first time its a miracle. I went to the hospital 2 months ago, I had panicattacks and couldnt even take a shower without crying because I was so exhausted. I havent seen my doctor yet, next week he will see me and then it will take even longer until I get to see a psychologist. If I had money I would already have a private psychologist and already feel a bit better. Its not fair. It pisses me of. Everyone should have the same right to get help.
Pauls side effects from his new medication is getting better, he doesnt get dissy anymore and the numbness is gone aswell, we hope that the mode swings will go soon to, its very hard to live with.
I am very depressed at the moment and so exhausted, I just feel like crying all the time. I feel like I am nothing and I am so sick of fighting. I am sick of my brain that doesnt function, I cant read or think properly. I wish that I could go to bed and sleep for a week in a dark room all alone. I want to hug my mom so badly and I wish that she wasnt an alcoholic so that she could be here with us and see James. As you can see I have many wishes. I also feel so much guilt towards James, I was thinking about giving him away last night, he deserves so much better than me. I hope that the doctor I will see next week have some antidepressions for me that will help me because I cant do this anymore now.
Its been to much latley, Ive been fighting so hard to be me, to get back to work, to be a normal healthy person. Last tuesday, I had three panicattacks and I almost thought that I was going to die. It just killed my body and I still havent recovered from it, my body is totally dead. I went to a flowershop the day after to talk about work experience and when I could start. I think that the pressure that I felt caused my panic. Its so bloody hard to get back to a normal life. I will get back though, one day. For every step that you take forward, you take five back, you have to fight, fight and fight.
I am going to sleep now, I hope that you all will have a good day and dont forget to take care of yourselves.
Hi people...
Hi people.
Its been a while since I last wrote here. Havent had any energy for it.
Were having a hard time, after we got our appartment painted Paul was sick for days. To much change. He was just sleeping, unable to talk to me or James. I felt extremly lonley and depressed. Felt sick when I went to bed and felt sick when I woke up, I didnt want to wake up, felt like I couldnt handle the situation at all.
One day I was so tired of everything and so pissed of that I just went into a hyper mode and fixed the whole appartment. I didnt have anxiety for two days, it was wonderful. It is a bit messy again now though, had a couple of really bad days. Will try to fix it tomorrow.
Pauls been talking about giving up, everything goes so slowly and I know the feeling, I feel the same. We cant give up though so we keep fighting, its hard to never be able to rest. When you are this sick you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Its very tiering. Theres so many rules that you have to follow all the time, you have to think about everything so that you wont get more sick. Get up at the same time everyday for example, go to bed at the same time every night, eat well, get out and walk every day, not aloud to drink alcohol, money problem, all the papers that needs to be sent to different places because your crazy, not stress ( how is that possible). I just want to have one day that I can get up when ever I want and dont have to care about ANYTHING. I really need that. But its not possible.
I still havent heared anything from the doctor about what kind of help I am going to get, they have sent the bill from the hospital though, ofcourse.
I am very tired at the moment as you all can hear, really struggeling. Maybe i have something fun to say tomorrow? Lets hope...
Its been a while since I last wrote here. Havent had any energy for it.
Were having a hard time, after we got our appartment painted Paul was sick for days. To much change. He was just sleeping, unable to talk to me or James. I felt extremly lonley and depressed. Felt sick when I went to bed and felt sick when I woke up, I didnt want to wake up, felt like I couldnt handle the situation at all.
One day I was so tired of everything and so pissed of that I just went into a hyper mode and fixed the whole appartment. I didnt have anxiety for two days, it was wonderful. It is a bit messy again now though, had a couple of really bad days. Will try to fix it tomorrow.
Pauls been talking about giving up, everything goes so slowly and I know the feeling, I feel the same. We cant give up though so we keep fighting, its hard to never be able to rest. When you are this sick you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Its very tiering. Theres so many rules that you have to follow all the time, you have to think about everything so that you wont get more sick. Get up at the same time everyday for example, go to bed at the same time every night, eat well, get out and walk every day, not aloud to drink alcohol, money problem, all the papers that needs to be sent to different places because your crazy, not stress ( how is that possible). I just want to have one day that I can get up when ever I want and dont have to care about ANYTHING. I really need that. But its not possible.
I still havent heared anything from the doctor about what kind of help I am going to get, they have sent the bill from the hospital though, ofcourse.
I am very tired at the moment as you all can hear, really struggeling. Maybe i have something fun to say tomorrow? Lets hope...
Monday
I am very proud of myself, got some things done yesterday. Must have looked funny when I rushed around in the appartment crying and cleaning at the same time. I had so much anxiety yesterday! The pills didnt help at all. Life is a struggle, thats for sure. I am going to continue what I started yesterday and hopefully be finished by tonight.
Pauls coach is coming later to take James and Paul to the shop, I will have some nice rest then for 30 min or so, in totally quiet. Then we are going to move furniture, we will get new wallpaper tomorrow, so it needs to be empty in those rooms.
My poor Paul is so down right now, but hes fighting it. Both Paul and James got my terrible cold now, so they are not so happy.
Well at least its nice weather and the sun is shining.
Have a good day people.
Pauls coach is coming later to take James and Paul to the shop, I will have some nice rest then for 30 min or so, in totally quiet. Then we are going to move furniture, we will get new wallpaper tomorrow, so it needs to be empty in those rooms.
My poor Paul is so down right now, but hes fighting it. Both Paul and James got my terrible cold now, so they are not so happy.
Well at least its nice weather and the sun is shining.
Have a good day people.
Same shit again... Sorry...
I honestly dont know what to do anymore. I feel so down, a little because Paul is very depressed right now, but mostly because I am so frustrated and feel so lonely. I just want to hug my mum, thats how sad and down I am. Everythings a big mess. Wish that it would knock on our door and when I open there will be people there that cares about us and wants to help us to get things fixed.
I have to push and force myself to get things done, which I shouldnt, but someone have to fix everything. I am not saying that Paul doesnt do anything, he does, we are a team and we both always do our best for eachother, always.
But as I said before, hes very depressed and when you feel like that you need to be alone a little and then its ok to start pressuring again.
It feels like I am just blabbeling about the same shit everyday now, I wish I had something fun to write but I dont.
I need someone to lean on thats not Paul, someone to have a coffee with and gossip, I need to feel normal, I need to get our place fixed so that we can start living. So many wishes.....
I have to push and force myself to get things done, which I shouldnt, but someone have to fix everything. I am not saying that Paul doesnt do anything, he does, we are a team and we both always do our best for eachother, always.
But as I said before, hes very depressed and when you feel like that you need to be alone a little and then its ok to start pressuring again.
It feels like I am just blabbeling about the same shit everyday now, I wish I had something fun to write but I dont.
I need someone to lean on thats not Paul, someone to have a coffee with and gossip, I need to feel normal, I need to get our place fixed so that we can start living. So many wishes.....
Frustrated
I have a battle in my head. One voice ordering me to rest and one voice naging about everything that I need to do and how useless I am. Its very tiering. I do not feel very happy today, I want to get our place nice and tidy, organized. I want to be a bit lighter and I want to wear eyeliner and lipstick everyday, puffy skirts and high heels. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of waiting for my energy to come back. And why cant those stupid voices in my head just shut the hell up? I want to get something done today, I want to feel proud of myself. Maybe I will succced to wash up four plates before I get stressed and have to rest AARRRGGH!! I am doing well and my best, I know that, but I am so sick of myself now, I am eating everything I see, will soon look like Jaba the hut if I dont get in controll of my eating disorder. I am so bored. Frustrated.
This is my new look... But who doesnt love curves?
This is my new look... But who doesnt love curves?
Networking
I have the worst cold EVER! It feels like my whole head is stuffed with cotton wool. But hopefully it will be better soon :)
I did some networking this morning when I took James to Day Care. We went at the same time as James friend Leon so me and his mum Anna had a chat while we were walking. I have to admit that I felt very nervous, how long will it take until she will notice that I am crazy? I thought for myself. I decided to not care about that, and also to not start talking about all our problems and so on. People doesnt need to know everything and if we will hang out, they will find out anyway. Its funny because they live almost next door to us, Leon and James will have so much fun in the summer :)
Paul has a meeting with Habiliteringen today, they will talk about what kind of support he needs. I really trust those people that works there, they seem to actually do something! Very refreshing.
I dont know what I am going to do today exept from picking James up, I should rest I guess, but it is still so hard to relax, will try though.
Have a good day!
I did some networking this morning when I took James to Day Care. We went at the same time as James friend Leon so me and his mum Anna had a chat while we were walking. I have to admit that I felt very nervous, how long will it take until she will notice that I am crazy? I thought for myself. I decided to not care about that, and also to not start talking about all our problems and so on. People doesnt need to know everything and if we will hang out, they will find out anyway. Its funny because they live almost next door to us, Leon and James will have so much fun in the summer :)
Paul has a meeting with Habiliteringen today, they will talk about what kind of support he needs. I really trust those people that works there, they seem to actually do something! Very refreshing.
I dont know what I am going to do today exept from picking James up, I should rest I guess, but it is still so hard to relax, will try though.
Have a good day!
Longing for spring
We got a bad cold again! Well, well, we will be ok soon!
I watched Greys Anatomy last night and the spin of, Off the map. Love them both! They are very girly I guess though :) What I like the most about Greys is that you always have something to think about after the program, a feeling of gratefullness for what you have and a big fear of what you might loose one day. My biggest fear in life is to loose Paul or James, I would be half for the rest of my life. But we live NOW, so lets focus on that.
I can see a wonderful blue sky outside my window from my sofa, Im longing for spring and summer so much. it feels like things might be easier by then? Maybe I feel like that way because I feel lonley? In the summer you are more likely to meet people and friends. It feels like Ive lost so many friends the last cople of years. Even my best friends doesnt call me anymore. Im not feeling sorry for myself, but I keep on wondering why? Why people dont want to hang out anymore? I have been very busy, I know that. Its been a hard time, still is and it havent been much room for friends, or energy for that matter. Its not easy to have a kid and not being able to leave him with his father so that you can go out with a friend etc. We dont have any family either that can help. Maybe people think that I dont think that they are important to me? That I dont care anymore? But, I do invite people, for dinners, poker nights, coffee. I dont know, maybe they think that Ive taken the wrong way, deciding to spend my life with the man I love who happens to be very ill? I can understand, my friends been through a lot with me and they all have a choice, either stay and support or walk away, I always told them that and that i wont have any hard feelings against them. We are just humans after all, its just sad that so many choose to take the easy way.
I watched Greys Anatomy last night and the spin of, Off the map. Love them both! They are very girly I guess though :) What I like the most about Greys is that you always have something to think about after the program, a feeling of gratefullness for what you have and a big fear of what you might loose one day. My biggest fear in life is to loose Paul or James, I would be half for the rest of my life. But we live NOW, so lets focus on that.
I can see a wonderful blue sky outside my window from my sofa, Im longing for spring and summer so much. it feels like things might be easier by then? Maybe I feel like that way because I feel lonley? In the summer you are more likely to meet people and friends. It feels like Ive lost so many friends the last cople of years. Even my best friends doesnt call me anymore. Im not feeling sorry for myself, but I keep on wondering why? Why people dont want to hang out anymore? I have been very busy, I know that. Its been a hard time, still is and it havent been much room for friends, or energy for that matter. Its not easy to have a kid and not being able to leave him with his father so that you can go out with a friend etc. We dont have any family either that can help. Maybe people think that I dont think that they are important to me? That I dont care anymore? But, I do invite people, for dinners, poker nights, coffee. I dont know, maybe they think that Ive taken the wrong way, deciding to spend my life with the man I love who happens to be very ill? I can understand, my friends been through a lot with me and they all have a choice, either stay and support or walk away, I always told them that and that i wont have any hard feelings against them. We are just humans after all, its just sad that so many choose to take the easy way.
Wednesday...
Pauls depressed again, really bad. Thats how it is sometimes and might always be. But, its been a long time since last time he felt like this, which is very good, I mean, he used to feel like this always... I feel good today, have much energy, I do know why, my body went into superwoman mode last night when Paul told me that he felt like shit. I am trying to get out of it, I dont want to be in that mode, its not good for my body. My body needs to be in dead mode, which is what it really is and I need to learn how to handle stress so that I can get well again. Ive done all the dishes, changed the beddings, Ive done two important phone calls and Ive sorted out some paperwork. So its very clear that I am in Superwoman mode. Cant even handle dishes on a normal day...
Paul was very good this morning and went with James to Day Care even if he felt like he couldnt get out of bed, he will also do some washing later, as much as he have energy for, thats very important, hes not allowed to do more than that. Its not good to pressure yourself to much, but a little is good. You have to be honest to yourself and be proud of what you managed to do, or what you tried to do. You shouldnt try to be an hero, its not good for you or anyone near you. Do your best, its enough and responsible, smart and so on.
I talked with Pauls mom last night, she is the best support you could ever wish for. I hope she understands what a big differens she makes, how much her support means to me, how loved she makes me feel.
Paul was very good this morning and went with James to Day Care even if he felt like he couldnt get out of bed, he will also do some washing later, as much as he have energy for, thats very important, hes not allowed to do more than that. Its not good to pressure yourself to much, but a little is good. You have to be honest to yourself and be proud of what you managed to do, or what you tried to do. You shouldnt try to be an hero, its not good for you or anyone near you. Do your best, its enough and responsible, smart and so on.
I talked with Pauls mom last night, she is the best support you could ever wish for. I hope she understands what a big differens she makes, how much her support means to me, how loved she makes me feel.
Taking it slow
I think that you all noticed how upset I was when I last wrote here. I took some time of the blogg this week, to consentrate on myself and to figure out solutions to make my life less stressful. I only do things in my own speed now and when I feel the stress coming I sit down with a book or something, when Im calm again I continue with what ever I was doing before. I took four breaks when I did the dishes (we had 3 days worth of dishes, been to tired to do them!), it took half the day, but I got them done and I didnt get stressed. I also eat anxiety pills during the day, it takes away some stress, so that i can focus better. I am trying to live now, one hour at the time, have one activity everyday that I know that I can handle and thats it. I think I am doing pretty good.
We got more hours at Day Care, starting on Monday. James will be there between 8.30-15, it will also help. I want him to be home more, but when its five oclock in the afternoon ( James been home since 2 oclock) my energy is finished and I become a less good mom, stressed and enojed, not fair to James, he havent done anything! So now my energy will last until he goes to bed at 7, which will be so nice! Hopefully Ill feel better in a moth or so and then he can be home more.
Paul is still doing fantastic, but is exhausted. Its hard to not overdo things, to stop when you are a little tired instead of dead. But were getting there, slow and steady, discusing everyday what we can do better and how we can make things easier for us.
We are going to my aunts place this afternoon for my cousins birthday party, I am sure that we will be tired after two hours or so, but doesnt matter :) Its going to be awesome to see grandma, missing her a lot!
Have a good day everyone!
We got more hours at Day Care, starting on Monday. James will be there between 8.30-15, it will also help. I want him to be home more, but when its five oclock in the afternoon ( James been home since 2 oclock) my energy is finished and I become a less good mom, stressed and enojed, not fair to James, he havent done anything! So now my energy will last until he goes to bed at 7, which will be so nice! Hopefully Ill feel better in a moth or so and then he can be home more.
Paul is still doing fantastic, but is exhausted. Its hard to not overdo things, to stop when you are a little tired instead of dead. But were getting there, slow and steady, discusing everyday what we can do better and how we can make things easier for us.
We are going to my aunts place this afternoon for my cousins birthday party, I am sure that we will be tired after two hours or so, but doesnt matter :) Its going to be awesome to see grandma, missing her a lot!
Have a good day everyone!
Surprised!
No... Not at all!
Paul and I went to the psyciatric ward with me this morning. I felt sick all morning before we went, like I wanted to womit. I didnt want to go there, I wasnt sure how I was going to react.
Ive been there two times before with Paul, when he was a walking dead person. It wasnt pleasant. I remember the last time we went, he was totally broken down, had planned to take his life, he had a plan all worked out in his head, he couldnt go out without getting a panic attack, he couldnt play with James, he got to stressed, he didnt function at all.
After six hours waiting Paul couldnt handle anymore. He was shaking, had black eyes filled with anxiety and panic. Ive asked the nurses four times for something to calm him down, but they didnt react. I remember that I left James with one of my friends for the day, didnt want him to come with us, not a good place for a little 9 month old baby is it? Ive got so many texts about that James was upset and that he was crying. Called my aunt and asked her to call my friend and pick James up. I felt that I couldnt leave my almost dying boyfriend at this point and I wasnt in the shape to drive either. Paul decided that he wanted to go, but the door was looked, you have to have your doctors promition to leave. I did tell them a half hour before that he couldnt handle anymore and that I didnt think that it was going to be pretty when he realises that he cant leave. They didnt listen. They didnt listen when I told them that he couldnt speak because he was to stressed, they didnt listen when I said that he wont move if he sais that he wont move.
When Paul discovered that he couldnt get out he blocked the door and asked them to let him out. After a while he told them that he was going to kick the door down in one minute if they didnt let him out. No one listened and after one minute he started to kick the door down. I saw how all the staff jumped one him and started to drag him into a room, I fell down on the floor crying. A nurse took me to a room to talk to me. Then I got a phonecall, it was my friends boyfriend calling, he was upset with me, because Ive put my boyfriend before my son, I was a bad mom, James was so upset. I tried to explain the situation for him, that I couldnt leave right this second. But it didnt matter, I was a bad mom. So I had to go and get James. I am still a bit chocked that I managed to survive that drive. I was crying, screaming all the way, shakeing, I couldnt see because my eyes was filled with tears. Before I went to get James I went into the room where Paul was. He was lying on the floor crying. I told him that I loved him and that I would be back as soon as possible. You dont need to come back, he answered....
On the way back I called my aunt, she came with me in to the ward, James aswell, he did miss his daddy so much. I was so scared. Paul was very calm though and said that he needed to be in the hospital so that he could get better for James and me. The following 2 weeks was hell, but I wont tell you about that now. I am to tired.
Now you might understand that it was very hard for me to go back to this ward. I met a nice nurse, he understod me and told me that I was burned out. Felt good (that he understod me). After 3 hours wait I got a doctor... She didnt understand what I was saying, she talked really bad swedish, she needed a translator if you ask me. She looked like a questionmark when I tried to explain to her about my problems. She did understand that it was hard having a kid?? But it was great that my boyfriend was better now, so why was I so upset?? COME ON!! Ive never said that its hard to have a kid, its not, not James anyway. Whats hard is to be a mom, girlfriend, personal assistant, shrink, coach and handeling everything around, bills, food, washing, cleaning without any help at all for a long time, 24 hours of the day. I havent slept a whole night since James was born. I dont complain, this is facts, my body cant handle it anymore. Ofcourse I will break down when Paul gets better, it gives me time to feel. But she didnt understand at all. She said that I was supposed to go to my usuall doctor, ok? That doctor will just say that I am to sick for him and send me to the hospital. I didnt have the energy to argue. She was going to send my doctor a letter and ask them to find me some CBT theraphy, so maybe some time next year I will get a letter?? Who knows... Exiting...
I was very upset when we left. Paul hugged and kissed me the whole way home though and that made me feel better. Hes my angel <3
Hope you all had a better day than I had... Tomorrow I will try to write about something fun...
Paul and I went to the psyciatric ward with me this morning. I felt sick all morning before we went, like I wanted to womit. I didnt want to go there, I wasnt sure how I was going to react.
Ive been there two times before with Paul, when he was a walking dead person. It wasnt pleasant. I remember the last time we went, he was totally broken down, had planned to take his life, he had a plan all worked out in his head, he couldnt go out without getting a panic attack, he couldnt play with James, he got to stressed, he didnt function at all.
After six hours waiting Paul couldnt handle anymore. He was shaking, had black eyes filled with anxiety and panic. Ive asked the nurses four times for something to calm him down, but they didnt react. I remember that I left James with one of my friends for the day, didnt want him to come with us, not a good place for a little 9 month old baby is it? Ive got so many texts about that James was upset and that he was crying. Called my aunt and asked her to call my friend and pick James up. I felt that I couldnt leave my almost dying boyfriend at this point and I wasnt in the shape to drive either. Paul decided that he wanted to go, but the door was looked, you have to have your doctors promition to leave. I did tell them a half hour before that he couldnt handle anymore and that I didnt think that it was going to be pretty when he realises that he cant leave. They didnt listen. They didnt listen when I told them that he couldnt speak because he was to stressed, they didnt listen when I said that he wont move if he sais that he wont move.
When Paul discovered that he couldnt get out he blocked the door and asked them to let him out. After a while he told them that he was going to kick the door down in one minute if they didnt let him out. No one listened and after one minute he started to kick the door down. I saw how all the staff jumped one him and started to drag him into a room, I fell down on the floor crying. A nurse took me to a room to talk to me. Then I got a phonecall, it was my friends boyfriend calling, he was upset with me, because Ive put my boyfriend before my son, I was a bad mom, James was so upset. I tried to explain the situation for him, that I couldnt leave right this second. But it didnt matter, I was a bad mom. So I had to go and get James. I am still a bit chocked that I managed to survive that drive. I was crying, screaming all the way, shakeing, I couldnt see because my eyes was filled with tears. Before I went to get James I went into the room where Paul was. He was lying on the floor crying. I told him that I loved him and that I would be back as soon as possible. You dont need to come back, he answered....
On the way back I called my aunt, she came with me in to the ward, James aswell, he did miss his daddy so much. I was so scared. Paul was very calm though and said that he needed to be in the hospital so that he could get better for James and me. The following 2 weeks was hell, but I wont tell you about that now. I am to tired.
Now you might understand that it was very hard for me to go back to this ward. I met a nice nurse, he understod me and told me that I was burned out. Felt good (that he understod me). After 3 hours wait I got a doctor... She didnt understand what I was saying, she talked really bad swedish, she needed a translator if you ask me. She looked like a questionmark when I tried to explain to her about my problems. She did understand that it was hard having a kid?? But it was great that my boyfriend was better now, so why was I so upset?? COME ON!! Ive never said that its hard to have a kid, its not, not James anyway. Whats hard is to be a mom, girlfriend, personal assistant, shrink, coach and handeling everything around, bills, food, washing, cleaning without any help at all for a long time, 24 hours of the day. I havent slept a whole night since James was born. I dont complain, this is facts, my body cant handle it anymore. Ofcourse I will break down when Paul gets better, it gives me time to feel. But she didnt understand at all. She said that I was supposed to go to my usuall doctor, ok? That doctor will just say that I am to sick for him and send me to the hospital. I didnt have the energy to argue. She was going to send my doctor a letter and ask them to find me some CBT theraphy, so maybe some time next year I will get a letter?? Who knows... Exiting...
I was very upset when we left. Paul hugged and kissed me the whole way home though and that made me feel better. Hes my angel <3
Hope you all had a better day than I had... Tomorrow I will try to write about something fun...
Hard work!
This blogg isnt as fun as it was before, I know that. I promise that it will get better, I just have to get on my feet first.
Paul insisted that he will take me to the hospital tomorrow, Im not looking forward to it, but I have to go. The question is if they are going to offer me any help before I made myself healty again? I mean Paul havent got any therapy yet, its been 7 months now. Dont know if I should laugh or cry?!?! I do know what I need though, and I do know whats wrong with me so that makes it a bit easier? I dont know. I just want to function again, to not cry all the time, like this morning when I dropped James of at Day Care. I cried when I left because I felt totally exhausted (its a 10 min walk). I havent had any anxiety yet today atleast, I am really working hard to keep it away. Its bloody hard I can tell you that! I will try to buy a note book today, so that I can write down all my thoughts and feelings, it helps. I also plan to go for an haircut on thursday maybe, I need to do good things for myself now, its very important. Try to eat good and on regular times and exercise a little everyday, sleep whenever I have a chance.
I find it very interesting to see how people react when you not feel well. I feel like a zombie, like I have an hangover all the time and when I try to tell people that I need some love and support it seems like almost everyone disapears. Are you scared of me? Dont you know what to say or what to do? Or is it that you just dont care? If I am a pain in the ass, just say, I can handle it!
It would be very nice to just get a phonecall, to chat about shoes or something. Or if anyone wants to have a coffee somewere and share a gigantic chocolate muffin. Or go for a walk? I know that I can call someone, but I dont even have the energy to have a shower right now... So I need your help!
Going for a nap now, then I am of to Day Care for a meeting about James and how hes doing, our first meeting, Paul will come aswell ofcourse. It feels so nice to not be alone with everything anymore, I am so happy about that.
Paul insisted that he will take me to the hospital tomorrow, Im not looking forward to it, but I have to go. The question is if they are going to offer me any help before I made myself healty again? I mean Paul havent got any therapy yet, its been 7 months now. Dont know if I should laugh or cry?!?! I do know what I need though, and I do know whats wrong with me so that makes it a bit easier? I dont know. I just want to function again, to not cry all the time, like this morning when I dropped James of at Day Care. I cried when I left because I felt totally exhausted (its a 10 min walk). I havent had any anxiety yet today atleast, I am really working hard to keep it away. Its bloody hard I can tell you that! I will try to buy a note book today, so that I can write down all my thoughts and feelings, it helps. I also plan to go for an haircut on thursday maybe, I need to do good things for myself now, its very important. Try to eat good and on regular times and exercise a little everyday, sleep whenever I have a chance.
I find it very interesting to see how people react when you not feel well. I feel like a zombie, like I have an hangover all the time and when I try to tell people that I need some love and support it seems like almost everyone disapears. Are you scared of me? Dont you know what to say or what to do? Or is it that you just dont care? If I am a pain in the ass, just say, I can handle it!
It would be very nice to just get a phonecall, to chat about shoes or something. Or if anyone wants to have a coffee somewere and share a gigantic chocolate muffin. Or go for a walk? I know that I can call someone, but I dont even have the energy to have a shower right now... So I need your help!
Going for a nap now, then I am of to Day Care for a meeting about James and how hes doing, our first meeting, Paul will come aswell ofcourse. It feels so nice to not be alone with everything anymore, I am so happy about that.
Have a nice day everyone and take care of yourselves.
Morning again...
Morning again... Wish that I could stay in bed, I already feel wierd in my body, anxiety. I am very scared now to be honest. Been reading on the net about exhausted depression, I think thats what I got, well I am pretty sure. It takes a long time to recower from, can take years. You treat it with CBT theraphy and sometimes anti depression medication. I dont know if I should contact my doctor or go directly to the hospital? Think I will go directly to the hospital. I dont want to go alone though, but I dont think that anyone wants to come with me, Paul would, but he needs to stay home with James. If you want to come with me as support, let me know... Will go thursday morning... Thank you...
Why didnt I take better care of myself? Why didnt any doctors ask me how I was? If I needed help aswell? Its so stupid...
Why didnt I take better care of myself? Why didnt any doctors ask me how I was? If I needed help aswell? Its so stupid...
Hua...
Hua... I dont feel well at all, need to go to the doctors next week. I am tired all the time and just wants to sleep, feel like crying and my body is dead. Hm... I dont feel depressed though, just confused and as I said tired... Think Im turning into a blobb now... But I dont want that so I will do my best to fight it. Life isnt easy...
James woke me up by stabing me with a pen today, very nice?! Hes got a new tooth! He doesnt even complain about it, it has to hurt??
Pauls been wonderful today, as always. Hes my hero and I love him so much.
I dont have the energy to write more today, but will write some more tomorrow!
Take care...
James woke me up by stabing me with a pen today, very nice?! Hes got a new tooth! He doesnt even complain about it, it has to hurt??
Pauls been wonderful today, as always. Hes my hero and I love him so much.
I dont have the energy to write more today, but will write some more tomorrow!
Take care...
