Surprised!
No... Not at all!
Paul and I went to the psyciatric ward with me this morning. I felt sick all morning before we went, like I wanted to womit. I didnt want to go there, I wasnt sure how I was going to react.
Ive been there two times before with Paul, when he was a walking dead person. It wasnt pleasant. I remember the last time we went, he was totally broken down, had planned to take his life, he had a plan all worked out in his head, he couldnt go out without getting a panic attack, he couldnt play with James, he got to stressed, he didnt function at all.
After six hours waiting Paul couldnt handle anymore. He was shaking, had black eyes filled with anxiety and panic. Ive asked the nurses four times for something to calm him down, but they didnt react. I remember that I left James with one of my friends for the day, didnt want him to come with us, not a good place for a little 9 month old baby is it? Ive got so many texts about that James was upset and that he was crying. Called my aunt and asked her to call my friend and pick James up. I felt that I couldnt leave my almost dying boyfriend at this point and I wasnt in the shape to drive either. Paul decided that he wanted to go, but the door was looked, you have to have your doctors promition to leave. I did tell them a half hour before that he couldnt handle anymore and that I didnt think that it was going to be pretty when he realises that he cant leave. They didnt listen. They didnt listen when I told them that he couldnt speak because he was to stressed, they didnt listen when I said that he wont move if he sais that he wont move.
When Paul discovered that he couldnt get out he blocked the door and asked them to let him out. After a while he told them that he was going to kick the door down in one minute if they didnt let him out. No one listened and after one minute he started to kick the door down. I saw how all the staff jumped one him and started to drag him into a room, I fell down on the floor crying. A nurse took me to a room to talk to me. Then I got a phonecall, it was my friends boyfriend calling, he was upset with me, because Ive put my boyfriend before my son, I was a bad mom, James was so upset. I tried to explain the situation for him, that I couldnt leave right this second. But it didnt matter, I was a bad mom. So I had to go and get James. I am still a bit chocked that I managed to survive that drive. I was crying, screaming all the way, shakeing, I couldnt see because my eyes was filled with tears. Before I went to get James I went into the room where Paul was. He was lying on the floor crying. I told him that I loved him and that I would be back as soon as possible. You dont need to come back, he answered....
On the way back I called my aunt, she came with me in to the ward, James aswell, he did miss his daddy so much. I was so scared. Paul was very calm though and said that he needed to be in the hospital so that he could get better for James and me. The following 2 weeks was hell, but I wont tell you about that now. I am to tired.
Now you might understand that it was very hard for me to go back to this ward. I met a nice nurse, he understod me and told me that I was burned out. Felt good (that he understod me). After 3 hours wait I got a doctor... She didnt understand what I was saying, she talked really bad swedish, she needed a translator if you ask me. She looked like a questionmark when I tried to explain to her about my problems. She did understand that it was hard having a kid?? But it was great that my boyfriend was better now, so why was I so upset?? COME ON!! Ive never said that its hard to have a kid, its not, not James anyway. Whats hard is to be a mom, girlfriend, personal assistant, shrink, coach and handeling everything around, bills, food, washing, cleaning without any help at all for a long time, 24 hours of the day. I havent slept a whole night since James was born. I dont complain, this is facts, my body cant handle it anymore. Ofcourse I will break down when Paul gets better, it gives me time to feel. But she didnt understand at all. She said that I was supposed to go to my usuall doctor, ok? That doctor will just say that I am to sick for him and send me to the hospital. I didnt have the energy to argue. She was going to send my doctor a letter and ask them to find me some CBT theraphy, so maybe some time next year I will get a letter?? Who knows... Exiting...
I was very upset when we left. Paul hugged and kissed me the whole way home though and that made me feel better. Hes my angel <3
Hope you all had a better day than I had... Tomorrow I will try to write about something fun...
Paul and I went to the psyciatric ward with me this morning. I felt sick all morning before we went, like I wanted to womit. I didnt want to go there, I wasnt sure how I was going to react.
Ive been there two times before with Paul, when he was a walking dead person. It wasnt pleasant. I remember the last time we went, he was totally broken down, had planned to take his life, he had a plan all worked out in his head, he couldnt go out without getting a panic attack, he couldnt play with James, he got to stressed, he didnt function at all.
After six hours waiting Paul couldnt handle anymore. He was shaking, had black eyes filled with anxiety and panic. Ive asked the nurses four times for something to calm him down, but they didnt react. I remember that I left James with one of my friends for the day, didnt want him to come with us, not a good place for a little 9 month old baby is it? Ive got so many texts about that James was upset and that he was crying. Called my aunt and asked her to call my friend and pick James up. I felt that I couldnt leave my almost dying boyfriend at this point and I wasnt in the shape to drive either. Paul decided that he wanted to go, but the door was looked, you have to have your doctors promition to leave. I did tell them a half hour before that he couldnt handle anymore and that I didnt think that it was going to be pretty when he realises that he cant leave. They didnt listen. They didnt listen when I told them that he couldnt speak because he was to stressed, they didnt listen when I said that he wont move if he sais that he wont move.
When Paul discovered that he couldnt get out he blocked the door and asked them to let him out. After a while he told them that he was going to kick the door down in one minute if they didnt let him out. No one listened and after one minute he started to kick the door down. I saw how all the staff jumped one him and started to drag him into a room, I fell down on the floor crying. A nurse took me to a room to talk to me. Then I got a phonecall, it was my friends boyfriend calling, he was upset with me, because Ive put my boyfriend before my son, I was a bad mom, James was so upset. I tried to explain the situation for him, that I couldnt leave right this second. But it didnt matter, I was a bad mom. So I had to go and get James. I am still a bit chocked that I managed to survive that drive. I was crying, screaming all the way, shakeing, I couldnt see because my eyes was filled with tears. Before I went to get James I went into the room where Paul was. He was lying on the floor crying. I told him that I loved him and that I would be back as soon as possible. You dont need to come back, he answered....
On the way back I called my aunt, she came with me in to the ward, James aswell, he did miss his daddy so much. I was so scared. Paul was very calm though and said that he needed to be in the hospital so that he could get better for James and me. The following 2 weeks was hell, but I wont tell you about that now. I am to tired.
Now you might understand that it was very hard for me to go back to this ward. I met a nice nurse, he understod me and told me that I was burned out. Felt good (that he understod me). After 3 hours wait I got a doctor... She didnt understand what I was saying, she talked really bad swedish, she needed a translator if you ask me. She looked like a questionmark when I tried to explain to her about my problems. She did understand that it was hard having a kid?? But it was great that my boyfriend was better now, so why was I so upset?? COME ON!! Ive never said that its hard to have a kid, its not, not James anyway. Whats hard is to be a mom, girlfriend, personal assistant, shrink, coach and handeling everything around, bills, food, washing, cleaning without any help at all for a long time, 24 hours of the day. I havent slept a whole night since James was born. I dont complain, this is facts, my body cant handle it anymore. Ofcourse I will break down when Paul gets better, it gives me time to feel. But she didnt understand at all. She said that I was supposed to go to my usuall doctor, ok? That doctor will just say that I am to sick for him and send me to the hospital. I didnt have the energy to argue. She was going to send my doctor a letter and ask them to find me some CBT theraphy, so maybe some time next year I will get a letter?? Who knows... Exiting...
I was very upset when we left. Paul hugged and kissed me the whole way home though and that made me feel better. Hes my angel <3
Hope you all had a better day than I had... Tomorrow I will try to write about something fun...
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