Cant stop thinking about her...
I cant stop thinking about my mum, I wonder if shes ok and I miss her so much, it hurts so much in my heart. Most of the time I just pretend that shes dead, then I dont have to deal with my emotions, but latley Ive spent time with new friends, who happens to be mums and who also have their mums in their lifes. Maybe thats why I miss mine so much? If I was ok and not this stressed I would try once more to get her on her feet, but would it make any differens? It havent in the past, she always crawled back to the monster she lives with, who beats her and tells her how useless she is everyday, even locks her in so that she cant get out, who she thinks is the only human in the world that can love her. We tried everything to help, but she doesnt even recognise us anymore. Ive decided that I will write her a letter from James in which I (James) will ask her if she wants to be his Grandmother, she needs to choose between James and her monster and bottles. I know what shes going to do, problebly the same thing that she already done a hundred times, try to be sober for a week or so and then go back again. Its sad, but not even James could make her change her life ( can you call it a life?), she have to want to change it herself. So I am going to try once more, but only once. I love you mum, I always have and always will...
Weight loss!
Its been a good day, I had a long nice shower while James and Paul was outside playing. I shaved my legs and got surprised when I actually enjoyed it?! Thats how bored you get when you are isolated at home with a sick child for over a week... Felt like a new person after the shower and Paul thought that it must be because of all the weight I lost after all my leg hair was shaved of! Cheeky bastard :D
Later in the afternoon we got a text from the neighbor, so we went out and played with them for a while in the lovely sun :)
When James and I came in again the appartment was tidy and all the dishes were done, awesome :)
Later in the afternoon we got a text from the neighbor, so we went out and played with them for a while in the lovely sun :)
When James and I came in again the appartment was tidy and all the dishes were done, awesome :)
Monkey wants an orange :)
Always when I feel extremly down something or someone gives me new energy so that I can find my fighting spirit again. I almost gave up last night, I was so tired and angry and just wanted to be alone. The night was bad and I havent slept at all, but the morning has been very nice so far, James been watching telly and Paul and I had sort of an lie in... Nice!
I dont have any plans for today, exept from having a shower, I am to tired to think further ahead. Hopefully it will be a good day.
I dont have any plans for today, exept from having a shower, I am to tired to think further ahead. Hopefully it will be a good day.
Here below you find a video of James wanting an orange and sounding like a monkey!
Playing in the rain
James and I went out in the rain this afternoon, it was nice to come out from the appartment, but we had to go back pretty soon because James didnt think it was fun when it was wet everywhere. When we came in around 4 he fell asleep. AARRRGGHHHHH. Why? Why, why, why? He woke up after 30 min but couldnt hold his eyes open. Going to be interesting to see when he will wake up....
Ive been angry since he fell asleep, I really need some time for myself now and I am desperate! I am so frustrated, enoyed, pissed off, well you see what I mean... I need a SPA weekend, or just a bath would do, without interupt.
As you can see in one of the pics, he tried to have a nap, but it was to wet!
Ive been angry since he fell asleep, I really need some time for myself now and I am desperate! I am so frustrated, enoyed, pissed off, well you see what I mean... I need a SPA weekend, or just a bath would do, without interupt.
As you can see in one of the pics, he tried to have a nap, but it was to wet!
Yey!
Hi there!
We are going out today! Me and James, Pauls going to stay in and rest his over heated Asperger brain. I am very impressed with Paul, hes been handeling everything so well and he lasted a whole week before he really needed to rest his brain, before he couldnt even deal with one day, he used to rest at least two times a day so that he could calm his brain down. Its getting better all the time! If you consider that he havent slept enough either its even more impressive.
Its going to be a good day today, James is feeling better and finally eating and I got about 4 hours sleep so I feel okey aswell. This afternoon were meeting our neighbor for a playdate outside, James is going to be sooo happy!
We are going out today! Me and James, Pauls going to stay in and rest his over heated Asperger brain. I am very impressed with Paul, hes been handeling everything so well and he lasted a whole week before he really needed to rest his brain, before he couldnt even deal with one day, he used to rest at least two times a day so that he could calm his brain down. Its getting better all the time! If you consider that he havent slept enough either its even more impressive.
Its going to be a good day today, James is feeling better and finally eating and I got about 4 hours sleep so I feel okey aswell. This afternoon were meeting our neighbor for a playdate outside, James is going to be sooo happy!
Have a good day!
Jum Jum!
Getting better all the time, better, better, better...
Good morning,
its been a sleepless night again, starting to get stupid now! James is getting better though, thats all that matters. Hes been very ill and the other day I had to ask my kind neighbor to drive me to the hospital so that we could get some medication for him.
The whole family is very tired and the appartment looks like hell ofcourse. But what can you do? Its better to give the small amount off energy that we got to James, the mess wont go anywhere...
I am starting to get seriously bored now, after 5 days in the sofa watching boring cartoons, James on me all the time, not letting me put him down for one second, not so fun anymore. Pauls been trying to hold him, but James been to ill, he just wanted his mum, not even I could give him comfort sometimes. Most of the time we been trying to sit togheter and calm him down, Chickenpocks is horrible!! I havent been out in days and Paul has been to the shops and pharmacys and so on, been cooking all the meals and everything else, hes the best man and dad in the world!
I am so exited about next Monday, when I am going to FlowerDesign to get work experience. I have so many ideas that my head might explode soon!
its been a sleepless night again, starting to get stupid now! James is getting better though, thats all that matters. Hes been very ill and the other day I had to ask my kind neighbor to drive me to the hospital so that we could get some medication for him.
The whole family is very tired and the appartment looks like hell ofcourse. But what can you do? Its better to give the small amount off energy that we got to James, the mess wont go anywhere...
I am starting to get seriously bored now, after 5 days in the sofa watching boring cartoons, James on me all the time, not letting me put him down for one second, not so fun anymore. Pauls been trying to hold him, but James been to ill, he just wanted his mum, not even I could give him comfort sometimes. Most of the time we been trying to sit togheter and calm him down, Chickenpocks is horrible!! I havent been out in days and Paul has been to the shops and pharmacys and so on, been cooking all the meals and everything else, hes the best man and dad in the world!
I am so exited about next Monday, when I am going to FlowerDesign to get work experience. I have so many ideas that my head might explode soon!
Heres a video from James birthday last year, enjoy.
Stupid chicken pocks!!
We havent slept at all, poor little James was so itchy all night. He is very brave and good as usuall though! Paul is in school, after that hes off to his physio and then he will get some food in the shop. I am trying to clean a bit more, change beddings and so on. Tonight we will watch some more Star Trek and take it easy.
Heres two more movies, have to publish all the old ones first so that we can publish some new ones soon!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ImuHyG3dRU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcmNq3SlqdU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ImuHyG3dRU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcmNq3SlqdU
Good morning peeps!
Good morning peeps!
Yes it actually feels like a pretty good morning today, dont feel depressed, nice. Today its cleaning on my schedual, need to get this place in order so that friends that comes to the door actually can come in without climbing mountains... Going to be dead in a couple of hours so better use the energy I have now.
Yes it actually feels like a pretty good morning today, dont feel depressed, nice. Today its cleaning on my schedual, need to get this place in order so that friends that comes to the door actually can come in without climbing mountains... Going to be dead in a couple of hours so better use the energy I have now.
Press the link below to see James when he cleans for the first time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1IpjGPblWA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1IpjGPblWA
Laundryday etc
Laundry day and James has chickenpocks, lovely combination and if you ad depression on that aswell, it gets even better... James is going to stay home the whole week, poor little thing, but its good that he gets Chickenpocks now when his small anyway, just wish that I felt better so it would be easier to handle. Going out later to see the neighbor and her daughter, they want Chickenpocks so we are going to try to fix that :)
I want to thank Challe for her comment that she wrote to me yesterday, it feels so good when our friends cares and I want you to know that it makes a huge differens. Thank you Challe! <3
I want to thank Challe for her comment that she wrote to me yesterday, it feels so good when our friends cares and I want you to know that it makes a huge differens. Thank you Challe! <3
Trying my best...
I never, ever felt like this before, this depressed. I dont want to get out off bed in the morning, I dont want to put clothes on, nothing, just want to cry all day. I hate myself at the moment, my looks, my clothes, my stupid thoughts, everything. I am a needy cow at the moment! I am doing my best though, as always and Paul is very supportive, hes an expert in how to live with deppression after all. He gives me extra attention and tells me how good I am. I am lucky to have him, hes the best!
We went to the food shop earlier, think I spent an hour to get ready before we went and I still just wanted to womit when I saw myself in the mirror, my head is crowded with bad and evil thoughts. After we had been in the shop paul bought me lunch, it was nice, had a little lasagna and som lemonade.
Paul is picking James up from day care now and when hes home we will give James dinner and then James and I am going to go out with our neighbor and her daughter, I dont really want to do anything, but I have to force myself, otherwise I will get worse. Pauls going to stay home and rest and tonight were going to watch Star Trek all night until we fall asleep.
We went to the food shop earlier, think I spent an hour to get ready before we went and I still just wanted to womit when I saw myself in the mirror, my head is crowded with bad and evil thoughts. After we had been in the shop paul bought me lunch, it was nice, had a little lasagna and som lemonade.
Paul is picking James up from day care now and when hes home we will give James dinner and then James and I am going to go out with our neighbor and her daughter, I dont really want to do anything, but I have to force myself, otherwise I will get worse. Pauls going to stay home and rest and tonight were going to watch Star Trek all night until we fall asleep.
Heres some pictures of James from last summer
Hes so beautiful
Hes so beautiful
Latest news from a sick and tired person
Hi everyone.
Been long since I wrote anything in here now, feels like Im not able to write at the moment, my brain wont work with me. I will try my best today though, just for you.
Our life is like a roller coaster, it goes up and down, up and down, its exhausting! Paul got a new antidepression medication and when he started to take it he became very ill, he was dissy, his arms and hands getting numb and he had mode swings from hell. Do I have to tell you that it was horrible to see him like that? It was so hard to see him suffer and I was struggeling to, I was all alone with everything again.
Its funny how people thinks that if you not well you can just go to a doctor, get some meds and then everything will be fine. It doesnt work that way, not at all. Its scary to think about all the people thats depressed or ill, you have to fight so hard to get help and wait so long, if you not end up killing yourself before you see your doctor the first time its a miracle. I went to the hospital 2 months ago, I had panicattacks and couldnt even take a shower without crying because I was so exhausted. I havent seen my doctor yet, next week he will see me and then it will take even longer until I get to see a psychologist. If I had money I would already have a private psychologist and already feel a bit better. Its not fair. It pisses me of. Everyone should have the same right to get help.
Pauls side effects from his new medication is getting better, he doesnt get dissy anymore and the numbness is gone aswell, we hope that the mode swings will go soon to, its very hard to live with.
I am very depressed at the moment and so exhausted, I just feel like crying all the time. I feel like I am nothing and I am so sick of fighting. I am sick of my brain that doesnt function, I cant read or think properly. I wish that I could go to bed and sleep for a week in a dark room all alone. I want to hug my mom so badly and I wish that she wasnt an alcoholic so that she could be here with us and see James. As you can see I have many wishes. I also feel so much guilt towards James, I was thinking about giving him away last night, he deserves so much better than me. I hope that the doctor I will see next week have some antidepressions for me that will help me because I cant do this anymore now.
Its been to much latley, Ive been fighting so hard to be me, to get back to work, to be a normal healthy person. Last tuesday, I had three panicattacks and I almost thought that I was going to die. It just killed my body and I still havent recovered from it, my body is totally dead. I went to a flowershop the day after to talk about work experience and when I could start. I think that the pressure that I felt caused my panic. Its so bloody hard to get back to a normal life. I will get back though, one day. For every step that you take forward, you take five back, you have to fight, fight and fight.
I am going to sleep now, I hope that you all will have a good day and dont forget to take care of yourselves.
Been long since I wrote anything in here now, feels like Im not able to write at the moment, my brain wont work with me. I will try my best today though, just for you.
Our life is like a roller coaster, it goes up and down, up and down, its exhausting! Paul got a new antidepression medication and when he started to take it he became very ill, he was dissy, his arms and hands getting numb and he had mode swings from hell. Do I have to tell you that it was horrible to see him like that? It was so hard to see him suffer and I was struggeling to, I was all alone with everything again.
Its funny how people thinks that if you not well you can just go to a doctor, get some meds and then everything will be fine. It doesnt work that way, not at all. Its scary to think about all the people thats depressed or ill, you have to fight so hard to get help and wait so long, if you not end up killing yourself before you see your doctor the first time its a miracle. I went to the hospital 2 months ago, I had panicattacks and couldnt even take a shower without crying because I was so exhausted. I havent seen my doctor yet, next week he will see me and then it will take even longer until I get to see a psychologist. If I had money I would already have a private psychologist and already feel a bit better. Its not fair. It pisses me of. Everyone should have the same right to get help.
Pauls side effects from his new medication is getting better, he doesnt get dissy anymore and the numbness is gone aswell, we hope that the mode swings will go soon to, its very hard to live with.
I am very depressed at the moment and so exhausted, I just feel like crying all the time. I feel like I am nothing and I am so sick of fighting. I am sick of my brain that doesnt function, I cant read or think properly. I wish that I could go to bed and sleep for a week in a dark room all alone. I want to hug my mom so badly and I wish that she wasnt an alcoholic so that she could be here with us and see James. As you can see I have many wishes. I also feel so much guilt towards James, I was thinking about giving him away last night, he deserves so much better than me. I hope that the doctor I will see next week have some antidepressions for me that will help me because I cant do this anymore now.
Its been to much latley, Ive been fighting so hard to be me, to get back to work, to be a normal healthy person. Last tuesday, I had three panicattacks and I almost thought that I was going to die. It just killed my body and I still havent recovered from it, my body is totally dead. I went to a flowershop the day after to talk about work experience and when I could start. I think that the pressure that I felt caused my panic. Its so bloody hard to get back to a normal life. I will get back though, one day. For every step that you take forward, you take five back, you have to fight, fight and fight.
I am going to sleep now, I hope that you all will have a good day and dont forget to take care of yourselves.
