Monday
I am very proud of myself, got some things done yesterday. Must have looked funny when I rushed around in the appartment crying and cleaning at the same time. I had so much anxiety yesterday! The pills didnt help at all. Life is a struggle, thats for sure. I am going to continue what I started yesterday and hopefully be finished by tonight.
Pauls coach is coming later to take James and Paul to the shop, I will have some nice rest then for 30 min or so, in totally quiet. Then we are going to move furniture, we will get new wallpaper tomorrow, so it needs to be empty in those rooms.
My poor Paul is so down right now, but hes fighting it. Both Paul and James got my terrible cold now, so they are not so happy.
Well at least its nice weather and the sun is shining.
Have a good day people.
Pauls coach is coming later to take James and Paul to the shop, I will have some nice rest then for 30 min or so, in totally quiet. Then we are going to move furniture, we will get new wallpaper tomorrow, so it needs to be empty in those rooms.
My poor Paul is so down right now, but hes fighting it. Both Paul and James got my terrible cold now, so they are not so happy.
Well at least its nice weather and the sun is shining.
Have a good day people.
Same shit again... Sorry...
I honestly dont know what to do anymore. I feel so down, a little because Paul is very depressed right now, but mostly because I am so frustrated and feel so lonely. I just want to hug my mum, thats how sad and down I am. Everythings a big mess. Wish that it would knock on our door and when I open there will be people there that cares about us and wants to help us to get things fixed.
I have to push and force myself to get things done, which I shouldnt, but someone have to fix everything. I am not saying that Paul doesnt do anything, he does, we are a team and we both always do our best for eachother, always.
But as I said before, hes very depressed and when you feel like that you need to be alone a little and then its ok to start pressuring again.
It feels like I am just blabbeling about the same shit everyday now, I wish I had something fun to write but I dont.
I need someone to lean on thats not Paul, someone to have a coffee with and gossip, I need to feel normal, I need to get our place fixed so that we can start living. So many wishes.....
I have to push and force myself to get things done, which I shouldnt, but someone have to fix everything. I am not saying that Paul doesnt do anything, he does, we are a team and we both always do our best for eachother, always.
But as I said before, hes very depressed and when you feel like that you need to be alone a little and then its ok to start pressuring again.
It feels like I am just blabbeling about the same shit everyday now, I wish I had something fun to write but I dont.
I need someone to lean on thats not Paul, someone to have a coffee with and gossip, I need to feel normal, I need to get our place fixed so that we can start living. So many wishes.....
Frustrated
I have a battle in my head. One voice ordering me to rest and one voice naging about everything that I need to do and how useless I am. Its very tiering. I do not feel very happy today, I want to get our place nice and tidy, organized. I want to be a bit lighter and I want to wear eyeliner and lipstick everyday, puffy skirts and high heels. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of waiting for my energy to come back. And why cant those stupid voices in my head just shut the hell up? I want to get something done today, I want to feel proud of myself. Maybe I will succced to wash up four plates before I get stressed and have to rest AARRRGGH!! I am doing well and my best, I know that, but I am so sick of myself now, I am eating everything I see, will soon look like Jaba the hut if I dont get in controll of my eating disorder. I am so bored. Frustrated.
This is my new look... But who doesnt love curves?
This is my new look... But who doesnt love curves?
Networking
I have the worst cold EVER! It feels like my whole head is stuffed with cotton wool. But hopefully it will be better soon :)
I did some networking this morning when I took James to Day Care. We went at the same time as James friend Leon so me and his mum Anna had a chat while we were walking. I have to admit that I felt very nervous, how long will it take until she will notice that I am crazy? I thought for myself. I decided to not care about that, and also to not start talking about all our problems and so on. People doesnt need to know everything and if we will hang out, they will find out anyway. Its funny because they live almost next door to us, Leon and James will have so much fun in the summer :)
Paul has a meeting with Habiliteringen today, they will talk about what kind of support he needs. I really trust those people that works there, they seem to actually do something! Very refreshing.
I dont know what I am going to do today exept from picking James up, I should rest I guess, but it is still so hard to relax, will try though.
Have a good day!
I did some networking this morning when I took James to Day Care. We went at the same time as James friend Leon so me and his mum Anna had a chat while we were walking. I have to admit that I felt very nervous, how long will it take until she will notice that I am crazy? I thought for myself. I decided to not care about that, and also to not start talking about all our problems and so on. People doesnt need to know everything and if we will hang out, they will find out anyway. Its funny because they live almost next door to us, Leon and James will have so much fun in the summer :)
Paul has a meeting with Habiliteringen today, they will talk about what kind of support he needs. I really trust those people that works there, they seem to actually do something! Very refreshing.
I dont know what I am going to do today exept from picking James up, I should rest I guess, but it is still so hard to relax, will try though.
Have a good day!
Longing for spring
We got a bad cold again! Well, well, we will be ok soon!
I watched Greys Anatomy last night and the spin of, Off the map. Love them both! They are very girly I guess though :) What I like the most about Greys is that you always have something to think about after the program, a feeling of gratefullness for what you have and a big fear of what you might loose one day. My biggest fear in life is to loose Paul or James, I would be half for the rest of my life. But we live NOW, so lets focus on that.
I can see a wonderful blue sky outside my window from my sofa, Im longing for spring and summer so much. it feels like things might be easier by then? Maybe I feel like that way because I feel lonley? In the summer you are more likely to meet people and friends. It feels like Ive lost so many friends the last cople of years. Even my best friends doesnt call me anymore. Im not feeling sorry for myself, but I keep on wondering why? Why people dont want to hang out anymore? I have been very busy, I know that. Its been a hard time, still is and it havent been much room for friends, or energy for that matter. Its not easy to have a kid and not being able to leave him with his father so that you can go out with a friend etc. We dont have any family either that can help. Maybe people think that I dont think that they are important to me? That I dont care anymore? But, I do invite people, for dinners, poker nights, coffee. I dont know, maybe they think that Ive taken the wrong way, deciding to spend my life with the man I love who happens to be very ill? I can understand, my friends been through a lot with me and they all have a choice, either stay and support or walk away, I always told them that and that i wont have any hard feelings against them. We are just humans after all, its just sad that so many choose to take the easy way.
I watched Greys Anatomy last night and the spin of, Off the map. Love them both! They are very girly I guess though :) What I like the most about Greys is that you always have something to think about after the program, a feeling of gratefullness for what you have and a big fear of what you might loose one day. My biggest fear in life is to loose Paul or James, I would be half for the rest of my life. But we live NOW, so lets focus on that.
I can see a wonderful blue sky outside my window from my sofa, Im longing for spring and summer so much. it feels like things might be easier by then? Maybe I feel like that way because I feel lonley? In the summer you are more likely to meet people and friends. It feels like Ive lost so many friends the last cople of years. Even my best friends doesnt call me anymore. Im not feeling sorry for myself, but I keep on wondering why? Why people dont want to hang out anymore? I have been very busy, I know that. Its been a hard time, still is and it havent been much room for friends, or energy for that matter. Its not easy to have a kid and not being able to leave him with his father so that you can go out with a friend etc. We dont have any family either that can help. Maybe people think that I dont think that they are important to me? That I dont care anymore? But, I do invite people, for dinners, poker nights, coffee. I dont know, maybe they think that Ive taken the wrong way, deciding to spend my life with the man I love who happens to be very ill? I can understand, my friends been through a lot with me and they all have a choice, either stay and support or walk away, I always told them that and that i wont have any hard feelings against them. We are just humans after all, its just sad that so many choose to take the easy way.
Wednesday...
Pauls depressed again, really bad. Thats how it is sometimes and might always be. But, its been a long time since last time he felt like this, which is very good, I mean, he used to feel like this always... I feel good today, have much energy, I do know why, my body went into superwoman mode last night when Paul told me that he felt like shit. I am trying to get out of it, I dont want to be in that mode, its not good for my body. My body needs to be in dead mode, which is what it really is and I need to learn how to handle stress so that I can get well again. Ive done all the dishes, changed the beddings, Ive done two important phone calls and Ive sorted out some paperwork. So its very clear that I am in Superwoman mode. Cant even handle dishes on a normal day...
Paul was very good this morning and went with James to Day Care even if he felt like he couldnt get out of bed, he will also do some washing later, as much as he have energy for, thats very important, hes not allowed to do more than that. Its not good to pressure yourself to much, but a little is good. You have to be honest to yourself and be proud of what you managed to do, or what you tried to do. You shouldnt try to be an hero, its not good for you or anyone near you. Do your best, its enough and responsible, smart and so on.
I talked with Pauls mom last night, she is the best support you could ever wish for. I hope she understands what a big differens she makes, how much her support means to me, how loved she makes me feel.
Paul was very good this morning and went with James to Day Care even if he felt like he couldnt get out of bed, he will also do some washing later, as much as he have energy for, thats very important, hes not allowed to do more than that. Its not good to pressure yourself to much, but a little is good. You have to be honest to yourself and be proud of what you managed to do, or what you tried to do. You shouldnt try to be an hero, its not good for you or anyone near you. Do your best, its enough and responsible, smart and so on.
I talked with Pauls mom last night, she is the best support you could ever wish for. I hope she understands what a big differens she makes, how much her support means to me, how loved she makes me feel.
Taking it slow
I think that you all noticed how upset I was when I last wrote here. I took some time of the blogg this week, to consentrate on myself and to figure out solutions to make my life less stressful. I only do things in my own speed now and when I feel the stress coming I sit down with a book or something, when Im calm again I continue with what ever I was doing before. I took four breaks when I did the dishes (we had 3 days worth of dishes, been to tired to do them!), it took half the day, but I got them done and I didnt get stressed. I also eat anxiety pills during the day, it takes away some stress, so that i can focus better. I am trying to live now, one hour at the time, have one activity everyday that I know that I can handle and thats it. I think I am doing pretty good.
We got more hours at Day Care, starting on Monday. James will be there between 8.30-15, it will also help. I want him to be home more, but when its five oclock in the afternoon ( James been home since 2 oclock) my energy is finished and I become a less good mom, stressed and enojed, not fair to James, he havent done anything! So now my energy will last until he goes to bed at 7, which will be so nice! Hopefully Ill feel better in a moth or so and then he can be home more.
Paul is still doing fantastic, but is exhausted. Its hard to not overdo things, to stop when you are a little tired instead of dead. But were getting there, slow and steady, discusing everyday what we can do better and how we can make things easier for us.
We are going to my aunts place this afternoon for my cousins birthday party, I am sure that we will be tired after two hours or so, but doesnt matter :) Its going to be awesome to see grandma, missing her a lot!
Have a good day everyone!
We got more hours at Day Care, starting on Monday. James will be there between 8.30-15, it will also help. I want him to be home more, but when its five oclock in the afternoon ( James been home since 2 oclock) my energy is finished and I become a less good mom, stressed and enojed, not fair to James, he havent done anything! So now my energy will last until he goes to bed at 7, which will be so nice! Hopefully Ill feel better in a moth or so and then he can be home more.
Paul is still doing fantastic, but is exhausted. Its hard to not overdo things, to stop when you are a little tired instead of dead. But were getting there, slow and steady, discusing everyday what we can do better and how we can make things easier for us.
We are going to my aunts place this afternoon for my cousins birthday party, I am sure that we will be tired after two hours or so, but doesnt matter :) Its going to be awesome to see grandma, missing her a lot!
Have a good day everyone!
Surprised!
No... Not at all!
Paul and I went to the psyciatric ward with me this morning. I felt sick all morning before we went, like I wanted to womit. I didnt want to go there, I wasnt sure how I was going to react.
Ive been there two times before with Paul, when he was a walking dead person. It wasnt pleasant. I remember the last time we went, he was totally broken down, had planned to take his life, he had a plan all worked out in his head, he couldnt go out without getting a panic attack, he couldnt play with James, he got to stressed, he didnt function at all.
After six hours waiting Paul couldnt handle anymore. He was shaking, had black eyes filled with anxiety and panic. Ive asked the nurses four times for something to calm him down, but they didnt react. I remember that I left James with one of my friends for the day, didnt want him to come with us, not a good place for a little 9 month old baby is it? Ive got so many texts about that James was upset and that he was crying. Called my aunt and asked her to call my friend and pick James up. I felt that I couldnt leave my almost dying boyfriend at this point and I wasnt in the shape to drive either. Paul decided that he wanted to go, but the door was looked, you have to have your doctors promition to leave. I did tell them a half hour before that he couldnt handle anymore and that I didnt think that it was going to be pretty when he realises that he cant leave. They didnt listen. They didnt listen when I told them that he couldnt speak because he was to stressed, they didnt listen when I said that he wont move if he sais that he wont move.
When Paul discovered that he couldnt get out he blocked the door and asked them to let him out. After a while he told them that he was going to kick the door down in one minute if they didnt let him out. No one listened and after one minute he started to kick the door down. I saw how all the staff jumped one him and started to drag him into a room, I fell down on the floor crying. A nurse took me to a room to talk to me. Then I got a phonecall, it was my friends boyfriend calling, he was upset with me, because Ive put my boyfriend before my son, I was a bad mom, James was so upset. I tried to explain the situation for him, that I couldnt leave right this second. But it didnt matter, I was a bad mom. So I had to go and get James. I am still a bit chocked that I managed to survive that drive. I was crying, screaming all the way, shakeing, I couldnt see because my eyes was filled with tears. Before I went to get James I went into the room where Paul was. He was lying on the floor crying. I told him that I loved him and that I would be back as soon as possible. You dont need to come back, he answered....
On the way back I called my aunt, she came with me in to the ward, James aswell, he did miss his daddy so much. I was so scared. Paul was very calm though and said that he needed to be in the hospital so that he could get better for James and me. The following 2 weeks was hell, but I wont tell you about that now. I am to tired.
Now you might understand that it was very hard for me to go back to this ward. I met a nice nurse, he understod me and told me that I was burned out. Felt good (that he understod me). After 3 hours wait I got a doctor... She didnt understand what I was saying, she talked really bad swedish, she needed a translator if you ask me. She looked like a questionmark when I tried to explain to her about my problems. She did understand that it was hard having a kid?? But it was great that my boyfriend was better now, so why was I so upset?? COME ON!! Ive never said that its hard to have a kid, its not, not James anyway. Whats hard is to be a mom, girlfriend, personal assistant, shrink, coach and handeling everything around, bills, food, washing, cleaning without any help at all for a long time, 24 hours of the day. I havent slept a whole night since James was born. I dont complain, this is facts, my body cant handle it anymore. Ofcourse I will break down when Paul gets better, it gives me time to feel. But she didnt understand at all. She said that I was supposed to go to my usuall doctor, ok? That doctor will just say that I am to sick for him and send me to the hospital. I didnt have the energy to argue. She was going to send my doctor a letter and ask them to find me some CBT theraphy, so maybe some time next year I will get a letter?? Who knows... Exiting...
I was very upset when we left. Paul hugged and kissed me the whole way home though and that made me feel better. Hes my angel <3
Hope you all had a better day than I had... Tomorrow I will try to write about something fun...
Paul and I went to the psyciatric ward with me this morning. I felt sick all morning before we went, like I wanted to womit. I didnt want to go there, I wasnt sure how I was going to react.
Ive been there two times before with Paul, when he was a walking dead person. It wasnt pleasant. I remember the last time we went, he was totally broken down, had planned to take his life, he had a plan all worked out in his head, he couldnt go out without getting a panic attack, he couldnt play with James, he got to stressed, he didnt function at all.
After six hours waiting Paul couldnt handle anymore. He was shaking, had black eyes filled with anxiety and panic. Ive asked the nurses four times for something to calm him down, but they didnt react. I remember that I left James with one of my friends for the day, didnt want him to come with us, not a good place for a little 9 month old baby is it? Ive got so many texts about that James was upset and that he was crying. Called my aunt and asked her to call my friend and pick James up. I felt that I couldnt leave my almost dying boyfriend at this point and I wasnt in the shape to drive either. Paul decided that he wanted to go, but the door was looked, you have to have your doctors promition to leave. I did tell them a half hour before that he couldnt handle anymore and that I didnt think that it was going to be pretty when he realises that he cant leave. They didnt listen. They didnt listen when I told them that he couldnt speak because he was to stressed, they didnt listen when I said that he wont move if he sais that he wont move.
When Paul discovered that he couldnt get out he blocked the door and asked them to let him out. After a while he told them that he was going to kick the door down in one minute if they didnt let him out. No one listened and after one minute he started to kick the door down. I saw how all the staff jumped one him and started to drag him into a room, I fell down on the floor crying. A nurse took me to a room to talk to me. Then I got a phonecall, it was my friends boyfriend calling, he was upset with me, because Ive put my boyfriend before my son, I was a bad mom, James was so upset. I tried to explain the situation for him, that I couldnt leave right this second. But it didnt matter, I was a bad mom. So I had to go and get James. I am still a bit chocked that I managed to survive that drive. I was crying, screaming all the way, shakeing, I couldnt see because my eyes was filled with tears. Before I went to get James I went into the room where Paul was. He was lying on the floor crying. I told him that I loved him and that I would be back as soon as possible. You dont need to come back, he answered....
On the way back I called my aunt, she came with me in to the ward, James aswell, he did miss his daddy so much. I was so scared. Paul was very calm though and said that he needed to be in the hospital so that he could get better for James and me. The following 2 weeks was hell, but I wont tell you about that now. I am to tired.
Now you might understand that it was very hard for me to go back to this ward. I met a nice nurse, he understod me and told me that I was burned out. Felt good (that he understod me). After 3 hours wait I got a doctor... She didnt understand what I was saying, she talked really bad swedish, she needed a translator if you ask me. She looked like a questionmark when I tried to explain to her about my problems. She did understand that it was hard having a kid?? But it was great that my boyfriend was better now, so why was I so upset?? COME ON!! Ive never said that its hard to have a kid, its not, not James anyway. Whats hard is to be a mom, girlfriend, personal assistant, shrink, coach and handeling everything around, bills, food, washing, cleaning without any help at all for a long time, 24 hours of the day. I havent slept a whole night since James was born. I dont complain, this is facts, my body cant handle it anymore. Ofcourse I will break down when Paul gets better, it gives me time to feel. But she didnt understand at all. She said that I was supposed to go to my usuall doctor, ok? That doctor will just say that I am to sick for him and send me to the hospital. I didnt have the energy to argue. She was going to send my doctor a letter and ask them to find me some CBT theraphy, so maybe some time next year I will get a letter?? Who knows... Exiting...
I was very upset when we left. Paul hugged and kissed me the whole way home though and that made me feel better. Hes my angel <3
Hope you all had a better day than I had... Tomorrow I will try to write about something fun...
Hard work!
This blogg isnt as fun as it was before, I know that. I promise that it will get better, I just have to get on my feet first.
Paul insisted that he will take me to the hospital tomorrow, Im not looking forward to it, but I have to go. The question is if they are going to offer me any help before I made myself healty again? I mean Paul havent got any therapy yet, its been 7 months now. Dont know if I should laugh or cry?!?! I do know what I need though, and I do know whats wrong with me so that makes it a bit easier? I dont know. I just want to function again, to not cry all the time, like this morning when I dropped James of at Day Care. I cried when I left because I felt totally exhausted (its a 10 min walk). I havent had any anxiety yet today atleast, I am really working hard to keep it away. Its bloody hard I can tell you that! I will try to buy a note book today, so that I can write down all my thoughts and feelings, it helps. I also plan to go for an haircut on thursday maybe, I need to do good things for myself now, its very important. Try to eat good and on regular times and exercise a little everyday, sleep whenever I have a chance.
I find it very interesting to see how people react when you not feel well. I feel like a zombie, like I have an hangover all the time and when I try to tell people that I need some love and support it seems like almost everyone disapears. Are you scared of me? Dont you know what to say or what to do? Or is it that you just dont care? If I am a pain in the ass, just say, I can handle it!
It would be very nice to just get a phonecall, to chat about shoes or something. Or if anyone wants to have a coffee somewere and share a gigantic chocolate muffin. Or go for a walk? I know that I can call someone, but I dont even have the energy to have a shower right now... So I need your help!
Going for a nap now, then I am of to Day Care for a meeting about James and how hes doing, our first meeting, Paul will come aswell ofcourse. It feels so nice to not be alone with everything anymore, I am so happy about that.
Paul insisted that he will take me to the hospital tomorrow, Im not looking forward to it, but I have to go. The question is if they are going to offer me any help before I made myself healty again? I mean Paul havent got any therapy yet, its been 7 months now. Dont know if I should laugh or cry?!?! I do know what I need though, and I do know whats wrong with me so that makes it a bit easier? I dont know. I just want to function again, to not cry all the time, like this morning when I dropped James of at Day Care. I cried when I left because I felt totally exhausted (its a 10 min walk). I havent had any anxiety yet today atleast, I am really working hard to keep it away. Its bloody hard I can tell you that! I will try to buy a note book today, so that I can write down all my thoughts and feelings, it helps. I also plan to go for an haircut on thursday maybe, I need to do good things for myself now, its very important. Try to eat good and on regular times and exercise a little everyday, sleep whenever I have a chance.
I find it very interesting to see how people react when you not feel well. I feel like a zombie, like I have an hangover all the time and when I try to tell people that I need some love and support it seems like almost everyone disapears. Are you scared of me? Dont you know what to say or what to do? Or is it that you just dont care? If I am a pain in the ass, just say, I can handle it!
It would be very nice to just get a phonecall, to chat about shoes or something. Or if anyone wants to have a coffee somewere and share a gigantic chocolate muffin. Or go for a walk? I know that I can call someone, but I dont even have the energy to have a shower right now... So I need your help!
Going for a nap now, then I am of to Day Care for a meeting about James and how hes doing, our first meeting, Paul will come aswell ofcourse. It feels so nice to not be alone with everything anymore, I am so happy about that.
Have a nice day everyone and take care of yourselves.
Morning again...
Morning again... Wish that I could stay in bed, I already feel wierd in my body, anxiety. I am very scared now to be honest. Been reading on the net about exhausted depression, I think thats what I got, well I am pretty sure. It takes a long time to recower from, can take years. You treat it with CBT theraphy and sometimes anti depression medication. I dont know if I should contact my doctor or go directly to the hospital? Think I will go directly to the hospital. I dont want to go alone though, but I dont think that anyone wants to come with me, Paul would, but he needs to stay home with James. If you want to come with me as support, let me know... Will go thursday morning... Thank you...
Why didnt I take better care of myself? Why didnt any doctors ask me how I was? If I needed help aswell? Its so stupid...
Why didnt I take better care of myself? Why didnt any doctors ask me how I was? If I needed help aswell? Its so stupid...
Hua...
Hua... I dont feel well at all, need to go to the doctors next week. I am tired all the time and just wants to sleep, feel like crying and my body is dead. Hm... I dont feel depressed though, just confused and as I said tired... Think Im turning into a blobb now... But I dont want that so I will do my best to fight it. Life isnt easy...
James woke me up by stabing me with a pen today, very nice?! Hes got a new tooth! He doesnt even complain about it, it has to hurt??
Pauls been wonderful today, as always. Hes my hero and I love him so much.
I dont have the energy to write more today, but will write some more tomorrow!
Take care...
James woke me up by stabing me with a pen today, very nice?! Hes got a new tooth! He doesnt even complain about it, it has to hurt??
Pauls been wonderful today, as always. Hes my hero and I love him so much.
I dont have the energy to write more today, but will write some more tomorrow!
Take care...
Zombie mode...
I know that I promised to publish som pics last night, but I was in zombie mode= half asleep in the sofa all night. I was so tired that I felt sick and my body felt like jelly. I managed to have a shower and Paul made us some fries for dinner.
I dont feel so good today either, I dont know if I am getting what James has or if its just my usuall tiredness. I got a lot of anxiety before when Paul went of to school, dont know why. Guess I felt lonley. I walked around in our appartment and just paniced. I am to tired to do anything, because I havent slept in ages and my head is crowded with negative thoughts, I feel borring, ugly, fragile, but also happy, grateful, loved, comfused, sad. I feel like I am never ever good enough. Paul tells me all the time that I am the best, but it doesnt stick. I never been good enough for my mum, I know thats the reason that that feeling is so strong and hard to controll. My mum always had a very bad picture of herself, she thought that she wasnt good enough either. She passed that on to me. I know that she didnt mean to make me insecuire, her intention was to make me feel good about myself, but she didnt do it right. You dont make anyone feel good if you say things like, you shouldnt eat that you get fat, or wow look you can fit in an size xs now!! I do know that she ment well though.
I know that most of you all must think that I am the most negative person in the world, maybe you think that I am lazy aswell, I mean all I do is to look after a little boy, right? I am sorry, Im not so nice right now, I am to tired and bored. I feel like Im an alien that no one cares about, and yes I know that there is some people that cares and I am grateful for you and I love you but thats just how I feel today.
James is better today and hes running around the appartment giggeling. Hes so lovely, we were dancing before and it made me feel a bit better. I know that Paul was very tired yesterday, but I hope that he will have som energy left when he comes home from school because I will be dead by then.... I will try to be more posetive tomorrow... Or maybe tonight already?
I dont feel so good today either, I dont know if I am getting what James has or if its just my usuall tiredness. I got a lot of anxiety before when Paul went of to school, dont know why. Guess I felt lonley. I walked around in our appartment and just paniced. I am to tired to do anything, because I havent slept in ages and my head is crowded with negative thoughts, I feel borring, ugly, fragile, but also happy, grateful, loved, comfused, sad. I feel like I am never ever good enough. Paul tells me all the time that I am the best, but it doesnt stick. I never been good enough for my mum, I know thats the reason that that feeling is so strong and hard to controll. My mum always had a very bad picture of herself, she thought that she wasnt good enough either. She passed that on to me. I know that she didnt mean to make me insecuire, her intention was to make me feel good about myself, but she didnt do it right. You dont make anyone feel good if you say things like, you shouldnt eat that you get fat, or wow look you can fit in an size xs now!! I do know that she ment well though.
I know that most of you all must think that I am the most negative person in the world, maybe you think that I am lazy aswell, I mean all I do is to look after a little boy, right? I am sorry, Im not so nice right now, I am to tired and bored. I feel like Im an alien that no one cares about, and yes I know that there is some people that cares and I am grateful for you and I love you but thats just how I feel today.
James is better today and hes running around the appartment giggeling. Hes so lovely, we were dancing before and it made me feel a bit better. I know that Paul was very tired yesterday, but I hope that he will have som energy left when he comes home from school because I will be dead by then.... I will try to be more posetive tomorrow... Or maybe tonight already?
Heres some pics from the last couple of weeks
Puking monkey...
Hi everyone!
I am sorry that I havent written for a while, James is sick again, last night he woke us up by puking on me. He puked a whole ocean on me and all over the bed :( Poor little monkey! When he was all nice and clean again he puked a second time. So there hasnt been much sleep... I am a zombie at the moment! Paul is tired aswell, the poor man had to wipe all the puke up while I was taking care of James. Pretty impressive that he woke up even if he has his sleeping pill. He flew up like if the house was on fire when I asked him to help me. YES! YES! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???? :D
James seems fine though, hes running around and playing like he usually does, but his stomach is upset still...
So, another day half dead on the sofa for me.... And Paul.... I promise to try to find my camera cable tonight so that I can publish some pics from the last week!
Heres an old pic, cute huh?!
Happy crazy people
I am so proud and impressed by Paul, he started school last friday, he went for a meeting with habiliteringen to tell them exactly what kind of help we need, after the meeting he went to a shopping mall and bought a cd and took the tram home without getting stressed, he plays with James without getting stressed, he makes shopping lists, he goes to the shop on his own to buy food, he does dishes and cook lovely dinners for me. I could go on all day.
Right now I am all alone in our appartment, James is in Day Care and Paul is in school. Its all quiet. It feels wierd, but good wierd. For the first time we can plan what we want to do in the future because its not just a big scary question mark anymore, it feels... I cant describe how it feels, it feels so wonderful! What am I supposed to do now? Who am I? Ive been so busy helping Paul and taking care of James that Ive forgotten a little about who I am. Now I will have time to do what ever I want, be the person I want to be. Right now I have to focus on resting though, to get rid of all the huge pressure Ive had on my shoulders the last 2 years, it will take a while to adapt to this new way of living and I will give it time. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW :D
And I do know that there will be days when we will take many steps back, it will be very hard and bla bla bla... Dont worry!
I am going to have a nap now! SO NICE!
Right now I am all alone in our appartment, James is in Day Care and Paul is in school. Its all quiet. It feels wierd, but good wierd. For the first time we can plan what we want to do in the future because its not just a big scary question mark anymore, it feels... I cant describe how it feels, it feels so wonderful! What am I supposed to do now? Who am I? Ive been so busy helping Paul and taking care of James that Ive forgotten a little about who I am. Now I will have time to do what ever I want, be the person I want to be. Right now I have to focus on resting though, to get rid of all the huge pressure Ive had on my shoulders the last 2 years, it will take a while to adapt to this new way of living and I will give it time. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW :D
And I do know that there will be days when we will take many steps back, it will be very hard and bla bla bla... Dont worry!
I am going to have a nap now! SO NICE!
Practice what you preach!
I am back from my breakdown now. Yes I had a proper breakdown, crying, anxiety all day and night, just wanted to sleep or disapear from everything, I was also scared, very scared, I have never felt like I did before and I know that I have to do something about it now. The crash really crushed me and my normally so well functioning brain, no I dont mean that I am unusually smart or anything like that, but usually I am an expert when it comes to think the right thoughts, thoughts that helps me to feel good. Diana Fabian thought me how to do that when I had my first breakdown, the knowledge that she gave me thoose five times I went to her is what I have been using to get Paul better. You just have to think right, its that simple. A week ago I wasnt thinking at all, bad things was spinning inside of my head and I couldnt see any of the good things in my life, I just saw what I dont have.
One evening Paul told me that he couldnt be around me anymore, it felt like a slap in my face... I woke up again. My friend Mariana also told me to do something, to practice what I preach. So thats what I am doing now. I am very grateful for what Paul and Mariana did. Thank you!!
The first day was hard, I had some anxiety but could control it and we had a nice day. The second day the anxiety was gone... Yesterday I felt so happy! Today aswell.
Many things has happened since I wrote the last time, I will tell you about it tomorrow!
I want you all to know that I do know that my english writing is worse than ever right now. I am very tired and I am traumatised, hopefully it will get better soon. Hopefully you all do understand what I am writing anyway...
Have a wonderful sunday!!
One evening Paul told me that he couldnt be around me anymore, it felt like a slap in my face... I woke up again. My friend Mariana also told me to do something, to practice what I preach. So thats what I am doing now. I am very grateful for what Paul and Mariana did. Thank you!!
The first day was hard, I had some anxiety but could control it and we had a nice day. The second day the anxiety was gone... Yesterday I felt so happy! Today aswell.
Many things has happened since I wrote the last time, I will tell you about it tomorrow!
I want you all to know that I do know that my english writing is worse than ever right now. I am very tired and I am traumatised, hopefully it will get better soon. Hopefully you all do understand what I am writing anyway...
Have a wonderful sunday!!
