Zombie mode...
I know that I promised to publish som pics last night, but I was in zombie mode= half asleep in the sofa all night. I was so tired that I felt sick and my body felt like jelly. I managed to have a shower and Paul made us some fries for dinner.
I dont feel so good today either, I dont know if I am getting what James has or if its just my usuall tiredness. I got a lot of anxiety before when Paul went of to school, dont know why. Guess I felt lonley. I walked around in our appartment and just paniced. I am to tired to do anything, because I havent slept in ages and my head is crowded with negative thoughts, I feel borring, ugly, fragile, but also happy, grateful, loved, comfused, sad. I feel like I am never ever good enough. Paul tells me all the time that I am the best, but it doesnt stick. I never been good enough for my mum, I know thats the reason that that feeling is so strong and hard to controll. My mum always had a very bad picture of herself, she thought that she wasnt good enough either. She passed that on to me. I know that she didnt mean to make me insecuire, her intention was to make me feel good about myself, but she didnt do it right. You dont make anyone feel good if you say things like, you shouldnt eat that you get fat, or wow look you can fit in an size xs now!! I do know that she ment well though.
I know that most of you all must think that I am the most negative person in the world, maybe you think that I am lazy aswell, I mean all I do is to look after a little boy, right? I am sorry, Im not so nice right now, I am to tired and bored. I feel like Im an alien that no one cares about, and yes I know that there is some people that cares and I am grateful for you and I love you but thats just how I feel today.
James is better today and hes running around the appartment giggeling. Hes so lovely, we were dancing before and it made me feel a bit better. I know that Paul was very tired yesterday, but I hope that he will have som energy left when he comes home from school because I will be dead by then.... I will try to be more posetive tomorrow... Or maybe tonight already?
I dont feel so good today either, I dont know if I am getting what James has or if its just my usuall tiredness. I got a lot of anxiety before when Paul went of to school, dont know why. Guess I felt lonley. I walked around in our appartment and just paniced. I am to tired to do anything, because I havent slept in ages and my head is crowded with negative thoughts, I feel borring, ugly, fragile, but also happy, grateful, loved, comfused, sad. I feel like I am never ever good enough. Paul tells me all the time that I am the best, but it doesnt stick. I never been good enough for my mum, I know thats the reason that that feeling is so strong and hard to controll. My mum always had a very bad picture of herself, she thought that she wasnt good enough either. She passed that on to me. I know that she didnt mean to make me insecuire, her intention was to make me feel good about myself, but she didnt do it right. You dont make anyone feel good if you say things like, you shouldnt eat that you get fat, or wow look you can fit in an size xs now!! I do know that she ment well though.
I know that most of you all must think that I am the most negative person in the world, maybe you think that I am lazy aswell, I mean all I do is to look after a little boy, right? I am sorry, Im not so nice right now, I am to tired and bored. I feel like Im an alien that no one cares about, and yes I know that there is some people that cares and I am grateful for you and I love you but thats just how I feel today.
James is better today and hes running around the appartment giggeling. Hes so lovely, we were dancing before and it made me feel a bit better. I know that Paul was very tired yesterday, but I hope that he will have som energy left when he comes home from school because I will be dead by then.... I will try to be more posetive tomorrow... Or maybe tonight already?
Heres some pics from the last couple of weeks
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