I am back !
I havent written in here for two days now because Ive been feeling so down and I dont want you all to think I am to negative! Now I feel a little better thanks to my family and my dear friend Mariana that came and helped us today. I think I need it to be spring soon. I saw some grass today and felt some hope and inspiration coming back. It is hard when you have been trying to handle so much stress during so long time without any breaks or any chance to process what you been through. Thats why I fall down some times. Its time for me to get a psychologist now, its time to process and move on. Try to live now and not in the past. It is bloody hard! But it has to be done.
I got my anniversery gift today! I love it so much! Its a bracelet from Thomas Sabo, with a charm, a colorful flower, the flower stands for my love for flowers and the colors stands for how my style was when Paul and I met. Hes the sweetest man ever <3 I cant wait to get more charms :D
I got my anniversery gift today! I love it so much! Its a bracelet from Thomas Sabo, with a charm, a colorful flower, the flower stands for my love for flowers and the colors stands for how my style was when Paul and I met. Hes the sweetest man ever <3 I cant wait to get more charms :D
This is the charm that he gave me <3
Hoping for a better day tomorrow
We are soo extremly tired today, we have been resting the whole day. I cried a little before because I feel so useless, I feel like that when I have no energy and everything is chaos. Paul and I talked about next week and made a plan for it. It is hard though, because I always want to do to much and then I burn myself out and Paul cant clean unless hes alone. He gets to stressed otherwise. So I start on Monday and then we see how far I come. On Tuesday I will sleep and Paul clean and so on. Hopefully we will get the result that we both want. Im going to turn off the computer now and just relax, maybe I will play some Mario on the Wii. Hopefully we will feel better tomorrow. Hope everyone will have a great evening!
Testing
Just testing a thing!
Calm down!! Get new energy!!
What a bad day I had yesterday! I was sooo stressed over stupid things, Im just going to rest today and not care about anything.You need to relax after a day like yesterday because the stress and the panic attacks drains all your energy. Paul was stressed aswell so we need to calm down. Ive decided to start with the appartment on Monday when James is in day care, then we can clean and organize in peace and spend the afternoon with him and do something fun. A friend might come over and help us to. I made a list over things that I/we need to do, a very loooong list. So we will start on that on Monday aswell, hopefully we will be finished in the end of next week! Would be wonderful, then we can concentrate on doing fun and relaxing things like going for walks etc. We really need that, this cold was awful and we havent done anything fun for 10 days or so. Hope you all have a nice day!
Do you feel stressed or tired? Try these shower soaps from Palmolive, they are really good! Use the purple one if you are stressed and the yellow one if you need to get energy!
Please make me disapear
Do you think I got anything done today? No I didnt because I panicked. I stod in the kitchen and felt like I wanted to disapear. I cant handle this, its to messy every where. I dont know where to start, when I did start I just felt like there was no point. It never stays clean for longer than ten minuts anyway. I hate this, I feel totally useless and deppressed. I just want to have a normal tidy home and not live in a shithole. O my god she cant even tidy?! I bet you all think that now... No I cant! Some days I dont function at all and I just want to hide and push away all the things I have to do, Its just to much!
Breakast (LCHF)
Today Im having blueberries and raspberries, with yoghurt (10% fat) and a little double cream.
James is eating välling in the sofa :)
Good morning!
Good morning!
James pulls my hair as often as he can! It hurts! How can I make him stop?
Today were going to tidy in the kitchen and put James bed togheter, exiting huh?
Backaplan
Paul needed underwear, I needed mascara so we went to Backaplan, our dear and lovely little bunny Mariana came along aswell :)
We love shopping xD
Mariana escaped!
We love shopping xD
Mariana escaped!
messy
Im going to explode soon, thats how I feel right now. Im so enoyed with myself. Paul got up with James today so that I could have one hour rest, nice. I did actually feel a little more rested, maybe my cold is getting better? We started to talk about our plans for the day and decided to go to Backaplan to buy some things that we need. Paul wanted to know when were going, I felt the stress starting to numb my shoulders.... I mean come on! I feel that I have so much pressure on me so I cant even deal with a question like that. Its extremly enoying. We agreed on going at 13.00. Im trying to calm myself down now, I dont want to be stressed and get a panickattack the first in the morning. Paul went back to bed, hes manic, has been the last couple day because we havent slept well, so he needs rest, rest and more rest.
Im sitting here in my messy kitchen, smelling my bacon muffins thats cooking in the oven, trying to find thoose positive thoughts that I need to find to get some energy to deal with this day. Its so hard to find energy when youre in the middle of a chaos. You know the feeling that youve got when you been out partying the whole night and then have to go to work the day after, you are tired, your brain doesnt work, your body ache a bit and you feel sick. Thats how I feel, almost everyday, just because I have to much pressure on me and theres no way out and no one that wants to help.
I do feel a little calmer now... It does help to write about it. Thank you for listening. Maybe this will turn out to be a great day, who knows?
I need to sit down and make a what to do list. It helps to keep the stress away, then I do 3 things on that list a day. Good plan.
Im sitting here in my messy kitchen, smelling my bacon muffins thats cooking in the oven, trying to find thoose positive thoughts that I need to find to get some energy to deal with this day. Its so hard to find energy when youre in the middle of a chaos. You know the feeling that youve got when you been out partying the whole night and then have to go to work the day after, you are tired, your brain doesnt work, your body ache a bit and you feel sick. Thats how I feel, almost everyday, just because I have to much pressure on me and theres no way out and no one that wants to help.
I do feel a little calmer now... It does help to write about it. Thank you for listening. Maybe this will turn out to be a great day, who knows?
I need to sit down and make a what to do list. It helps to keep the stress away, then I do 3 things on that list a day. Good plan.
Secret gift :D
I made Paul his favourite cookies as a gift today, he has a secret gift for me, but its not here yet... Im so exited :D
Will show what he got me on the blogg when it arrives!
Yes they are so jummy those cookies! But I didnt even taste the dough when I made them! Im very proud of myself!
Yes they are so jummy those cookies! But I didnt even taste the dough when I made them! Im very proud of myself!
Extreme makeover
Next thursday its time for me to get an extreme makeover, I will tell you more about it when its done. I really need it as you all know from my pictures. I havent used mascara for... Well I cant remember last time actually, I dont even have one! I gave up makeup a little time before Paul went in to hospital in August, I was crying at least 5 times a day so... No point with makeup!? Our life has been extremly hard until now when things starts to go our way again( its still very hard though, but in a different way). Dont think I have cried for at least a week, cant remember... Which is a good sign!
So, yes now its time for me to get a nice haircut and some new makeup so that I can be in the pictures to (without scareing anyone!) :D
This is a nice pic of me and James before the big breakdown, dont we look amazing?
So, yes now its time for me to get a nice haircut and some new makeup so that I can be in the pictures to (without scareing anyone!) :D
This is a nice pic of me and James before the big breakdown, dont we look amazing?
Our day
Today its three years ago Paul and I met. We have our old boss to thank for that! We worked in the same pub, in Chiswick, England. Paul worked as a chef and I was ofcourse the sexy barmaid ;)
We stayed in the pub after closing and had drinks with our boss, weird really, dont think we spoken to each other before that ( me and Paul). We where so drunk and he told me that he wanted 3 children and that he was going to tattoo their names on his body, one on each arm and one across the chest. Ok ?! :D
We danced all night (Paul wasnt dancing he was bouncing) and then he kissed me. We fell asleep in a sofa in our bosses flat and when we woke up in the morning we went straight to work. After work I went up to the kitchen and asked him out for a date which he accepted. I was sooo happy, ran home and got all dressed up, called my girlfriends for advice and covered myself in make up.
I remember that Paul talked the whole date and I didnt understand a thing that he said beacuse I was so tired. Just smile I thought for myself. He had beautiful eyes and I just fell in love right there. I felt like I new him, but I didnt have a clue about who he was, I couldnt even understand him! We had some drinks and lots of cigaretts and then he walked me to the bus and kissed me good night, like a real gentleman.
This is where we met
We stayed in the pub after closing and had drinks with our boss, weird really, dont think we spoken to each other before that ( me and Paul). We where so drunk and he told me that he wanted 3 children and that he was going to tattoo their names on his body, one on each arm and one across the chest. Ok ?! :D
We danced all night (Paul wasnt dancing he was bouncing) and then he kissed me. We fell asleep in a sofa in our bosses flat and when we woke up in the morning we went straight to work. After work I went up to the kitchen and asked him out for a date which he accepted. I was sooo happy, ran home and got all dressed up, called my girlfriends for advice and covered myself in make up.
I remember that Paul talked the whole date and I didnt understand a thing that he said beacuse I was so tired. Just smile I thought for myself. He had beautiful eyes and I just fell in love right there. I felt like I new him, but I didnt have a clue about who he was, I couldnt even understand him! We had some drinks and lots of cigaretts and then he walked me to the bus and kissed me good night, like a real gentleman.
This is where we met
Happiness
I just watched a program about happiness on SVT
http://svt.se/2.149217/jakten_pa_lyckan
http://svt.se/2.149217/jakten_pa_lyckan
It made me start thinking about how happy I am. When it comes to love Im very happy, I know that I have found my special one and I feel butterlies in my stomache almost everyday. I feel so safe and loved, like nothing can break us, the strong, but yet so fragile team that we have become after all that we been through since we met. When we where hugging in bed earlier we talked about that its amazing how we can spend almost all our time togheter and still always have something to talk about. I think it is because we always want more from life? I dont know, Im just so happy that I got my Paul, we think that it was someone that brought us togheter, we needed each other to find happiness.
James makes me so happy and proud everyday. Hes the most amazing little person and hes always smileing. Cant describe the love I feel towards him, its to strong.
I made a happiness test on the website, my results was 55 %, not to bad. As I said before I am halfway there, when I will be able to work and when our everyday life is functioning I will be as happy as I can be.
How happy are you? What can you do to be more happy?
class reunion
I got an invitation to my high school class reunion today. O my good I am so old now!!! Cant believe that its 10 years ago I finished. Wierd, in some way it feels like it was a 100 years ago. I dont know if I want to go, I dont speak to anyone of my old class mates, not even on Facebook really. Why should I dress up and pay money to sit with people that doesnt care about me or wants to hang out with me? I mean, if they wanted to se me, Im just one click away on Facebook. Am I to negative? Does people want me there? Well go on and tell me that you do and I will come.
Can you find me in the picture?
No rest...
I need some sleep now, cant remember last time I got a some proper rest. Usually I try to rest when James in day care, but I cant fall a sleep, theres other things that I need or want to do during that time. James is sleeping in our bed at the moment. Have to get him to sleep in his own now, hopefully we will get better rest then. I dont have the energy to run to his room a million times a night though ( Paul doesnt wake up because of his sleeping pill). But you dont get much for free in this world, so I just have to do it. I WANT SOME SLEEP PLEASE!!
Help!
I need an extreme makeover!
No sleep for a week, cold from hell and pizza skin thats my secrets, if you like this look I mean.
No sleep for a week, cold from hell and pizza skin thats my secrets, if you like this look I mean.
Love
My friend Sanna wrote on her Facebook status that she got reminded about that people that you love can get sick or disapear. So we should all try to remember that and tell people how much we love them, maybe it will be to late tomorrow...
Thanks Sanna for reminding us <3
Paul told me like this a couple of minuts ago :)
Mr. Spock: Honey?! Can you come here, I have something very important to tell you.
Superwoman: Sure, whats that?
Mr. Spock: I love you very much.
Superwoman : :D
Thanks Sanna for reminding us <3
Paul told me like this a couple of minuts ago :)
Mr. Spock: Honey?! Can you come here, I have something very important to tell you.
Superwoman: Sure, whats that?
Mr. Spock: I love you very much.
Superwoman : :D
Monday morning
Im sorry that the blogg is a bit borring now, but we are sooo sick at the moment and we doesnt get any sleep, soon it will get better again!! James tries to keep the appartment tidy as always, hes running around with the hoover, sponge and bottle almost all the time :) Me and Paul get lots of food aswell that he cooks on his play stove and then feeds us with, so dont worry :D I just ordered a chicken soup! He is amazing our little chimpans <3
We are going for a meeting today about Pauls school. Hes going to study in a small class (10- 12 students) and today we will find out more an talk about what kind of help he needs to be relaxed and to be able to focus on his swedish. It all sounds pretty hopeful. More about this later!
We are going for a meeting today about Pauls school. Hes going to study in a small class (10- 12 students) and today we will find out more an talk about what kind of help he needs to be relaxed and to be able to focus on his swedish. It all sounds pretty hopeful. More about this later!
I am a good girl!
Im still a good girl, I havent eaten anything that Im not aloud! I am very proud of myself! The secret is to go 2 times a month to the food shop and buy everything that you need, then you dont buy sweets and other things you dont need! I already feel better and Im not hungry all the time, dont miss sugar at all right now. Tonight were going to eat English roast dinner. Lovely! Chicken, broccoli and gravy for me. The guys ( Paul and our friend Steve) gets corn and roasted potatoes aswell and beer ofcourse if they want it. The thing that I love the most about LCHF is that you never get over full and bloated after a meal, just not hungry. Its very nice! Next step for me now is to start exercising (have a bad cold right now) so next Monday I will try to do that. I think that I will start with walks 30-60 mins a day and then ad som muscle training the week after that.I have to take it easy because my body and mind is already so exhausted so I dont want to put to much pressure on myself, have enough already!
Fairytale
Sometimes, well most of the time I pretend that I live in a fairytale, I do believe that everything will be exactly like I want it to be one day ( i am half way there already). I will work in my friend Pernillas future flower shop, have beautiful skin ( all the stress that I have in my life right now gives me pizza skin), afford to have a cleaner, not be an emotional over eater, work out 4 times a week, Paul will be rehabilitated and feel ok and so on. Am I a weirdo? Yes! But this really helps me on a bad day and it helps me to keep on fighting for what I believe in and to get me what I want.
And no... I dont believe that I am Cinderella and that mice makes dresses. But I do believe that if you just believe in what you want and that you will get it , there will be an happy ending...
And no... I dont believe that I am Cinderella and that mice makes dresses. But I do believe that if you just believe in what you want and that you will get it , there will be an happy ending...
